Birkbeck Footie

Birkbeck 1 – 2 CSTM

2012-01-30T20:50:00.002Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 – 2 CSTM
Tuesday 17 January 2012, 12-1pm

How Birkbeck came out of this game with nothing remains a mystery. Equally mysterious, at least to this correspondent, were the events leading up to the game’s opening goal, the details of which cannot be recalled here, save for the fact that it was definitely scored by CSTM at some stage before I arrived at the pitch. Regardless, I’m sure it was a fluke and an injustice and we definitely didn’t deserve it.

Club captain Schmidt cut an agitated figure on the sidelines, having also arrived too late to be included in the starting line-up, and his frustration was compounded as Birkbeck soon conceded a second goal. This time, I was there to witness every detail of the build-up, but in the intervening days between the match and this write-up, I’m afraid I’m unable to reveal little more than the fact the shot was deflected, and it was a little unlucky (and a fluke, and an injustice, and we definitely didn’t deserve it etc).

After some minor tactical wrangling between skipper and manager, Schmidt brought himself on to play in the centre-forward position that once saw him earn Birkbeck’s coveted golden boot. The captain’s enthusiasm at being restored to the apex of the team’s attack was evident, not least when he steamed into a challenge with the CSTM goalkeeper with a little too much gusto. (He was alright, really, and the opposition - a sporting, and good-natured bunch – didn’t make too much of it).

Despite some defensive aberrations, Birkbeck actually played very well in this match, and caused CSTM – the league’s top team – problems throughout. A midfield of Kirkland, Tacon and ap Garth were at the heart of the team’s good work, and Schmidt was proving a handful for the CSTM defence.

During the second half, in particular, a comeback seemed on the cards, but Birkbeck’s bad luck in front of goal continued. With ten minutes to go, ap Garth managed to force the ball into the CSTM net, and Birkbeck poured forward in search of an equaliser. In between a number of decent opportunities, Schmidt let rip with a thumping shot that seemed destined for the back of the net, only for it to cruelly ricochet off the inside of the post and back out again.

Alas, it was not to be. On another day, a draw or even a win might have been possible. Special mention must go to the CSTM goalkeeping academy, as our opponents fielded different goalkeepers in each half, both of whom pulled of a series of fairly blinding saves. Oh, and well played to our boys, too. (It was a fluke, an injustice, we definitely didn't deserve it etc etc etc).

Birkbeck 1 - 6 Mediacom

2011-12-20T11:35:00.004Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 - 6 Mediacom
Wednesday 14 December 2011, 1-2pm

Editor's note: thanks to Dave for the match report.

The scoreline flattered the opposition (Come on you’ve used that one before) well technically no as this is a different reporter, still not buying it ok how about this... we was robbed, well actually that’s not entirely accurate either... the point is... it was a funny old game.... ok enough of the clichés and here begins the report.

The game started well, both teams were passing the ball around, but in fairness the opposition handled the ball marginally better in these difficult slick and windy conditions. Fast confident counter attacking moves from the opposition and accurate finishing saw their team nose ahead two-nil by the end of the first half.

During half time Birkbeck were still optimistic that there was still something in the game... and how right we were all for the wrong reasons. Calamitous clearances and disastrous distributions from the 'keeper gifted the opposition a further 3 goals and the match was more or less over before Birkbeck could get going. However at times our passing was good and lead to Walters snatching a well earned consolation goal. But by full time other than the consolation this was one match that... ahem is best forgotten. Some intensive training over Christmas is in order and perhaps the New Year will give us renewed good fortune.

Onwards!!!

Birkbeck 1-4 ITV3

2011-11-17T10:51:00.005Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 1-4 ITV3
Wednesday 9 November 2011, 1-2pm

A match that began promisingly for Birkbeck ultimately became a mildly embarrassing defeat. The scoreline flattered the opposition, who took full advantage of the opportunities presented to them in the second half by a weary side throwing men forward in search of a way back into the match.

In truth, Birkbeck should never have found themselves in such a position. They began brightly and took an early lead when Garmon ap Garth found the corner of the net with a sweet shot to finish off a fine attacking move. The lead lasted mere seconds as ITV3, hitherto not having given much indication of being a force to be reckoned with, took advantage of some defensive hesitancy to grab the equaliser.

Undeterred, Birkbeck came back again, and when ap Garth produced an almost identical finish to an almost identical move, the Birkbeck fans (all three of them) were already celebrating a goal almost identical to the first one. Unfortunately, this time it didn’t find the net, instead rocketing off the post and out.

ITV3, though, did produce an identical response to Birkbeck’s attack by snaffling another fortuitous goal to take the lead. While stand-in goalkeeper Pearce, one of only two players to volunteer for the role in Jennings’ absence (the other, Kirkland, later described his offer as ‘an empty gesture’) managed to get to the goalbound shot, it still had sufficient pace to find its way into the net.

Whatever the role played by misfortune, Birkbeck had to face the fact that they were 2-1 down in a game they should have been winning. At the interval, the Birkbeck management concocted a motivational cocktail consisting of 2 parts encouragement juice (Parrott, Throup) and a double-shot of rage (Schmidt), which was chugged down with a grimace before the team returned to the pitch to try and find a way back into the match.

In the time that it took Nduka to arrive for the match he had gone from being top scorer to the joint-top scorer, and he took to the pitch in the second half eager to rectify the situation. Of slightly greater concern was Dr William Ackah’s revelation that he would need to leave before the end, leaving manager Parrott with the unfortunate dilemma of replacing him with either a centre-forward (Scott) or someone who can’t play football (Throup).

ITV3 were cheered on throughout the match by a collection of sharp-looking, pointy-shoed wearing media types, whom one could only assume were the now-defunct ITV1 team, who were withdrawn from the league in order to provide funding for a new series of Dinner Date*. The one exception was a shaven-headed, hoodie-wearing gentleman, who was dressed for football but not in the same kit as the rest of the ITV3 team. Mid-way through the second-half, he was sent onto the field to a chorus of semi-ironic cheers, which immediately identified him as some kind of clownish cult figure, whose every touch of the ball was greeted with some kind of noise or comment.

Not to be outdone, after a nervous exchange of glances on the bench, Birkbeck sent on their own clown as a replacement for Ackah. At this point, the score remained 2-1, with Birkbeck having plenty of attacking pressure but little in the form of clear-cut chances, and with the team getting increasingly desperate, there were gaps at the back for ITV3 to exploit. To be fair, both the third and fourth goals were excellent finishes, with the latter –irritatingly – scored by the opposition’s fan favourite, who ghosted into the box with the aid of his non-matching stealth kit (and, it has to be said, some assistance from a day-dreaming substitute).

So, a second straight defeat for Birkbeck then, and despite some encouraging performances thus far, a win in the next match is looking increasingly necessary.

*Legal Note: This is also an assumption.

Birkbeck 1 – 2 Five

2011-11-04T10:50:00.003Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 – 2 Five
Wednesday 2 November 2011, 1-2pm

Or Birkbeck won, five two, as the BBC announcer might put it. Were such a misinterpretation of the scoreline to spread among followers of Birkbeck FC, it would seem an unlikely enough scenario to those familiar with the team’s recent fortunes for them to seek confirmation from an official source before accepting it as fact.

Ridiculous as it may sound, though, Birkbeck created enough chances here to pull off an emphatic victory. That they failed to do so, and ended up losing the game, was down to a combination of factors. Individual mistakes proved costly at the back, while significant attacking pressure brought only the one goal in response.

Without wanting to give away too much tactical information to opposing teams with access to the internet (or jeopardise sales of the forthcoming hardback - How to Substitute Your Captain with a Rugby Tackle: A Manager’s Guide by S. Parrott, available for Christmas from all good bookshops) Birkbeck’s solid start to the season has been based upon a well-organised defence and keeping things tight at the back early on. And so it was here, with Birkbeck matching Five’s every move and looking in little danger, while giving occasional hints of their attacking prowess at the other end. The best (by which I mean, best-remembered - by me) of the first-half chances came when Pearce, playing the first half in a slightly more advanced position, stung the hands of the Five goalkeeper with a long-range shot.

Birkbeck were able to send on club-captain Schmidt and last season’s top-scorer Nduka in the second half, and the general feeling among the technical staff in the dugout (by which I mean Parrott and Throup standing on the touchline with assorted well-wishers) was that a win was perfectly achievable.

Unfortunately, though, Birkbeck conceded two sloppy goals in quick succession. First, a Five attacker found himself in acres of room on the right hand side, and after having an age to line up a shot, somehow managed to scuff one into the net through a crowd of Birkbeck defenders. Minutes later, a lapse of ball control at the back following a Birkbeck corner allowed the Five centre-forward all the time and space he needed to break away and slot home the second goal. (No point playing the name, shame and blame game here, although it’s worth noting the manager’s immortal words, "Thank God Andi was on when they scored their goals, otherwise we’d never have heard the end of it.")

In the darkest days of previous seasons, two goals could often become four, five or six, as heads dropped and tempers were lost, but this time, Birkbeck roused themselves to produce an inspiring attacking performance. Kirkland, again, was everywhere, and was unfortunate not to grab a goal when he hit the crossbar with a dinked finish. Elsewhere, long-range shots, counter-attacking breaks and goalmouth scrambles came thick and fast, but somehow Five managed to escape every time.

Birkbeck could be forgiven for thinking it wouldn’t be their day when Nduka, who had been a thorn in the side of the Five defence throughout the second half, fashioned an unbelievable chance for himself, only to blast high and wide when presented with an open goal (think Fernando Torres’s recent miss at Old Trafford, but recreated as one of Baddiel and Skinner’s Pheonix From the Flames moments).

Still, the striker was on hand to produce a close-range finish when the next opportunity presented itself, setting up a tense final few minutes. Despite their best efforts, though, Birkbeck were unable to force home the equaliser they unarguably deserved.

It was unfortunate that the team’s most potent attacking performance was coupled with their least assured defensive one, but overall, based on this display, the signs look good for the rest of the season (without wishing to jinx us or anything).

Birkbeck 0 – 0 C&R

2011-10-18T15:53:00.003+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 0 C&R
Wednesday 12 October 2011, 1-2pm

Birkbeck were hoping to build on a promising showing in the opening match of the season by securing a win against newly-promoted C&R. That they failed to do so left the team with a feeling of mild disappointment until the league administrator indicated to the Birkbeck management that their opponents had won every single match of the previous season in the lower division.

On paper, Birkbeck looked to have a strong team, but, as ever, circumstances conspired to lend the starting line-up a makeshift quality. With Guest withdrawing from the squad and Nduka late to arrive, the team were subjected to the unedifying sight of their former goalkeeper starting at centre-forward.

Despite this handicap, Birkbeck began brightly enough, and with Throup’s oafish antics providing a mild distraction to the C&R defence, the midfield of Walters, Tacon and ap Garth combined well to fashion some decent attacking moves and stretch the C&R defence. Still, the arrival of a proper centre-forward in the form of Nduka, making his final appearance as a Birkbeck employee (but hopefully not as a Birkbeck player), came as a relief to all.

For all their attacking pressure, a couple of solid shots on target and the occasional goalmouth scramble were the best the Birkbeck managed in the first half. The feeling in the camp at half-time, though, was that their opponents were there for the taking in the second period.

Such feelings of optimism proved slightly misplaced as C&R played with renewed purpose after the break, and Birkbeck’s defence were forced to endure a few shaky moments. They held firm, though, thanks in no small part to the energy and tenacity of Kirkland, the leadership and organisational skills of Pearce, and the reliability of Jennings in goal. [Editor’s note: Will, you played well too, but I couldn’t find the right words to describe your performance, other than "you played well" – sorry.]

As the match wore on, the game became more open, leading to the usual anxieties on the bench as manager Parrott called for his team to throw caution to the wind and grab a goal, while assistant manager/substitute/dislikeable mascot Throup glanced anxiously at his watch and prayed for the final whistle. To fall back on tired clichés, either side could have won it, but a draw was the right result.

Tune in next week for another exciting instalment of the Birkbeck FC story, and the answers to the following questions: What was the score? Who was playing up front? Did we score a goal? Which tiny details of the match will be recalled and spun-out into a match report? AND MORE!

Birkbeck 0 – 0 GOSH

2011-09-27T10:19:00.002+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 0 GOSH
Wednesday 21 September 2011, 1-2pm

Birkbeck’s 2011-12 season kicked off with a solid performance and result against GOSH. While last season’s match report indicated an opponent of mixed ability, a draw has to be considered a good result when you take into account that they (along with every other team that remained in this division) finished above Birkbeck in 2010-11.

Mild concerns about raising a side were resolved at the last minute when Guest and Tacon both declared themselves fit and available to take their place in midfield. For the latter, it was the first time he had been able to take the field in a Birkbeck shirt since an injury incurred during a cliff-related accident ruled him out for the entirety of last season, and it was good to have him back.

With the team restored to something like full strength, the nightmare scenario of Birkbeck’s former goalkeeper having to make an outfield appearance was, thankfully, avoided. The possibility of a return to goal was also abandoned amid unconvincing murmuring about failing to recover from fairly minor surgery some six months ago, and once again Jennings donned the gloves without complaint.

The match itself was a return to ‘classic’ Birkbeck – keeping things tight in defence, staying in the game, but yet retaining the capacity to cause problems going forward. As ever, Nduka caused problems for the opposing defence, fashioning some half-decent opportunities for himself and others on a number of occasions.

A favoured tactic was to try and shoot early, as the GOSH goalkeeper’s positioning was a little suspect at times. Without wanting to sound rude, it wasn’t the only thing that was a little ‘off’ about this chap, a 45 year-old man dressed in what appeared to be a child’s football kit from the 1990s (the style of which referenced that favoured by flamboyant Mexican ‘character’ Jorge Campos). As the match progressed he became more and more agitated by marginal decisions and began barking schoolteacherly clichés at his non-compliant opponents (“PLAY THE GAME, NUMBER 6!”) while venturing further and further from his own goal, to no great effect, whenever the opportunity arose. Still, he’s probably a doctor or other healthcare professional who’s done far more good in the world than you or I will ever manage, so he can do what he wants in his lunch hour, I guess.

Birkbeck threatened more as the match wore on. Kirkland, having deputised admirably for the absent Schmidt in the centre of defence, increasingly took the opportunity to burst forward in the second half, but decent build-up play often failed at the final ball with the GOSH defence panicking.

Clear-cut opportunities don’t exactly spring to mind; a shot over the bar from Tirbhowan in the dying minutes is the closest I can manage to recall. At the other end, Jennings did all that was asked of him and rarely looked in trouble.

All-in-all, a decent performance then, although anyone feeling too happy about things should bear in mind that Birkbeck won their opening fixture last season (we all know what happened after that) and also that club captain/skipper/El Presidente Schmidt has demanded ‘the title’, and nothing less, in 2012.

Season Summary - 2010/11

2011-09-27T08:51:00.004+01:00

Fixtures/Results:

Goal scorers:

Nduka: 3
Champion: 2
Walters: 2
ap Garth: 1
Duffin: 1
Guest: 1
Schmidt: 1

Birkbeck 2 – 1 Universal

2011-07-19T20:35:00.004+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 2 – 1 Universal
Monday 11 July 2011, 1-2pm

The Master of Birkbeck mentioned this victory in his end-of-year address to staff, and given the circumstances, it was entirely appropriate for him to do so. Put simply, this was a monumental effort, with the team comprehensively outplaying one of the league’s leading teams. In defeating Universal, Birkbeck denied their opponents the chance to win the title, but more importantly the result secured their own future in the Coram’s Premier League for 2011-12.

With the league administrator on annual leave, Birkbeck were unsure of what was required from them in their final match. The team knew victory would guarantee safety, but anything other than a win meant relegation was more than likely. Pre-match words of inspiration from the management produced a limited level of e-mail bravado from the squad, although Jennings’ joke referencing the chorus of the Blur single The Universal (“It really, really, really could happen...”) was perhaps indicative of the general feeling of nervousness/hysteria/hope-above-expectation within the camp.

The team were cheered on by a selection of colleagues who braved the altogether not-unpleasant sunny afternoon conditions, although some preferred to take a more distant view of proceedings and were later dubbed (although not by me) the “prawn sandwich brigade”. Still, all the support was welcome, and those that were actually watching were treated to the best display of football Birkbeck had produced all season.

It would be no exaggeration to say that Birkbeck completed outplayed Universal in the first half. Indeed, the only major worry was that they would once again fail to convert their superiority into a meaningful lead. A Kirkland effort that rebounded off the crossbar was the best of handful of decent chances, and prompted nervous looks among the Birkbeck management and support – would it be their day after all?

But such doubts were soon dispelled when Dr Geoff Walters bundled the ball home from close range to give Birkbeck the lead. Not the most aesthetically-pleasing goal of all time, it has to be said, but it was nevertheless celebrated in a manner befitting a 30-yard overhead kick, such was its importance.

The second half saw Birkbeck face a more determined and focused Universal side, who put their opponents on the back foot with a period of sustained possession and attacking pressure. Still, while the general air of tension hardly helped the general health of the Birkbeck management, clear-cut chances were few and far between.

In fact, the defence of Jennings, Walters, Pearce and Schmidt rarely looked in too much trouble (although they were certainly made to work hard) and a clean sheet seemed to be on the cards until the Birkbeck captain lost possession of the ball while attempting a backheel in a dangerous area of the pitch, and promptly sent a Universal attacker crashing to the floor in a desperate attempt to rectify the situation.

While the Birkbeck skipper certainly appeared to be making an effort to restrain his now-legendary outbursts in this match, the gravity of the situation would surely have persuaded him to abandon such a policy and pursue a lengthy argument with the opposition captain about the decision to award a penalty had it not been such a clear-cut offence. After his half-hearted protests were waved away, the spot-kick was converted, and with minutes remaining the ashen-faced expressions on the Birkbeck bench told their own story.

Remarkably, though, the lead was soon re-established. In a turn of events only previously witnessed in Hollywood representations of sport, Schmidt produced his very own Rocky moment when he powered forward from the back, danced through the entire Universal defence and smashed home an emphatic finish to produce rapturous, and slightly astonished applause from his Birkbeck colleagues.

Emboldened by this miraculous act, Birkbeck fought hard in defence while continuing to threaten on the counter-attack. A third goal would certainly have been welcome, but it was not to be, although Kirkland (who doubled as inspirational central midfielder and marauding second-striker in this match) hit the bar for a second time in the dying minutes.

The management and supporters were by this point shooting anxious glances towards the Coram’s office, only to witness the man in charge of the final whistle tucking into tea and cake with a distinct lack of urgency. But, after what seemed like an eternity, the victory was eventually confirmed.

Congratulations are due to every member of the Birkbeck team for a performance of quality and endeavour; and thanks to everyone else who contributed, either on the pitch or off it, during this difficult season. If this performance is anything to go by, we can hope for better things next year.

Birkbeck 2 - 0 Dynamo

2011-06-17T09:44:00.002+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 2 - 0 Dynamo
Wednesday 15 June 2011, 1-2pm

Let’s not mince our words: defeat here, and it would have been curtains. Thankfully, Birkbeck produced an assured performance when they needed it most to take three points from their nearest rivals and move out of the relegation zone.

As kick-off approached, it seemed unlikely that there would be any match at all, and as this correspondent arrived at the ground the only thing to bear witness to was a Birkbeck squad keenly going through some warm-up routines (obvious joke alert: there’s a first time for everything) and a manager wearing a baffled expression while conducting earnest discussions with the league’s administrator about whether the team could claim a win by default.

In short: Dynamo hadn’t turned up (by which I mean they literally hadn’t arrived for the match, rather than the Andy Townsend, “Nah, dey ‘aven’t turned up ta’day, Adrian” method of explaining away a poor performance). While a team in Birkbeck’s position are in no position to argue about how they pick up points, there was certainly an air of disappointment among the squad as they accepted their fate and began tentative discussions regarding the logistics of an intra-squad kickabout.

Just as they did so, though, Dynamo appeared, and the general consensus was that the match should go ahead as planned. After all, Birkbeck were well-drilled and fancied their chances against this disorganised rabble...hang on, is that our top scorer wearing the goalkeeper’s kit? Initially dismissing this alarming sight as part of some humorous pre-match larking around, manager Parrott soon established that it was more of an unauthorised squad adjustment, and strode over to tell star striker Nduka, using fairly direct language, that he’d be starting the match according to his original instructions.

Thankfully, Birkbeck regained their focus in time for kick-off, and began the match strongly. Indeed, it was Nduka (who, for the record, had an injury niggle, rather than a pressing desire to suddenly install himself as the team’s goalkeeper) who had the game’s first chance, making a darting run to the near post to connect with a corner, only for the ball to flash past the far post.

Birkbeck have made promising starts before, though, and to be frank, they’re not worth a fig unless they bring goals, goals, goals. This time, however, they were able to capitalise on their good play, with Paul Guest opening his account for the season with an emphatic close-range finish.

Manager Parrott had encouraged a return to the ‘classic’ Birkbeck gameplan of trying to stay in the game, not giving much away, and taking chances whenever they came - and it seemed to be working. With the early goal under their belt, suddenly there were 7 men (this league’s equivalent of 10 men) behind the ball, denying Dynamo space, and scrapping for their lives.

At the same time, Birkbeck always looked dangerous on the break and continued to make chances. Sadly, though, none of them were converted, with the Dynamo goalkeeper in inspired form to deny Guest a second goal from close range, before Duffin lofted a shot over the bar with the goal at his mercy (“there was a definite bobble,” he announced later, safe in the knowledge that a team celebrating a rare positive result is unlikely to bother arguing about such details).

The second half continued in much the same fashion, with Dynamo enjoying plenty of possession without ever creating too many opportunities. The main moments of alarm for Birkbeck came whenever Dynamo’s pacey and talented centre-half burst forward in a manner so direct and dangerously effective it begged the question why he was stuck at the back (no offence, defenders) in the first place.

A second goal would have calmed Birkbeck nerves but, inevitably, it only arrived after a whole host of near-misses that only served to increase the anxiety of the management. Unfortunately, my attentions were elsewhere (most likely congratulating myself on my rapier-like wit, or gazing sorrowfully at my injured hand and wondering whether I’ll ever again get the chance to fumble a dribbly, long-range shot into the path of a grateful attacker) when the clearest of these opportunities was spurned – I’m reliably informed, however, that it involved a misplaced backpass, an open goal, and our centre-forward.

Thankfully, the much-needed second goal eventually arrived, courtesy of a good attacking move as Duffin fed Kirkland (who, like fellow midfielder Walters, had selflessly shifted into a more defensive role for this match) to provide the cross for Nduka’s close-range finish.

As Dynamo poured forward there were opportunities for Birkbeck to achieve the previously unheard-of riches of a three-goal lead. Substitute Billy Scott raced clear of the Dynamo defence and beat the ‘keeper with his shot, only for it to drag agonisingly wide of the post.

Still, it was a victory, and a well-deserved one at that. What else should I mention? The Dynamo ‘keeper played quite well (I particularly admired the way he kept stopping the ball going in the net) – but everyone played well for Birkbeck. Rather than dragging out the usual platitudes about the whole team deserving credit etc etc, let’s name them all, shall we?

So: Jennings, Kirkland, Pearce, Walters, Ap Garth, Guest, Duffin, Nduka (Tirbhowan, Scott) – well played, you chaps. Bravo!

p.s. We still haven’t avoided relegation.

Birkbeck 0 - 5 BM

2011-06-14T21:00:00.002+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 - 5 BM
Wednesday 25 May 2011, 1-2pm

Fans of any struggling team will be familiar with the feeling of having their hopes raised one week and then spectacularly dashed the next. An encouraging performance against ITV2, during which the team managed three – yes three – goals (in the same match!) might have tempted a less weary and cynical correspondent to utter the phrase “turning point”, especially with a match against supposed also-rans BM to follow.

Yet, even the cautious levels of optimism expressed after the previous match were to prove misguided as Birkbeck succumbed to a heavy defeat here. In truth, they were better than the scoreline suggests, but after a series of effective counter-attacking moves left the team trailing by three goals before half-time, they were always facing an uphill struggle.

BM had given very little cause for alarm during previous encounters, but they were emphatically the better side in this match, urged on throughout by their ageing but extremely talented captain/manager, who later admitted to Birkbeck’s (non-playing) coaching staff that his team featured more than one or two ‘ringers’ - heartless mercenaries with absolutely no ideological commitment to [insert whatever BM do here] yet all too happy to take large sums of money in brown envelopes* as an inducement to crush the innocent dreams of their opponents.

If there were any highlights, they’ve long been eroded from this correspondent’s memory. This result is the past – Birkbeck need to focus on their future. So, let all the analysis fall away like yellow, aged newsprint: Birkbeck vs. Dynamo IS this season – let’s go out and get a result**.

*Legal note: there is no evidence that money changed hands, or that any was placed in brown envelopes.
**This implies I have something to contribute, which I don’t. “We” refers to the team, of which I am no longer a part. Trufax: Birkbeck’s only win this season was achieved when I was out of the country. Sadly, I’ve no other holidays planned.

Birkbeck 3 – 3 ITV2

2011-05-23T21:11:00.000+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 3 – 3 ITV2
Wednesday 18 May 2011, 1-2pm

This was a match that had everything except for the three points Birkbeck were desperately seeking. Still, they can take great heart from a battling performance, and particular the cutting edge in front of goal too rarely seen so far this year.

The team’s pre-match build-up was disrupted when three members of the squad were unexpectedly called to a meeting, prompting a last-minute scramble for players which culminated in injured skipper Schmidt discharging himself from hospital, against medical advice, in order to return to the starting line-up.

The captain had also promoted the match to potential supporters and well-wishers as the final game of the season, at the end of which Birkbeck’s fate would be sealed. Although such tactics were fairly cynical in encouraging several members of staff to give up their hard-earned lunch-break to witness a distinctly non-climactic end-of-season game, the plan certainly worked, and for once Birkbeck could benefit from occasional words of encouragement from the sidelines (beyond manager Parrott’s stirring rhetoric, which was present here, as it is before, during and after every match that Birkbeck play).

Not for the first time this season, Birkbeck started brightly, but for once they also managed to take the lead. Late arrival Nduka had already hit the post with an early effort when he turned the ITV2 defender with ease and raced through to hammer home an emphatic finish.

The Birkbeck centre-forward caused problems throughout, although he was arguably isolated during a first half in which ITV2 had plenty of possession, leaving Birkbeck to counter on the break. Solid defensive work kept clear-cut ITV2 chances to a minimum, but they eventually secured an equaliser when a well-struck shot from an angle snuck in at the near post.

Without wanting to dispute the legality of the equaliser, it’s worth pointing out that the goals at Coram Fields are currently in a state of disrepair, characterised by leaky netting, and from where this correspondent was standing it seemed very difficult to tell whether the shot had actually gone in or not. Goalkeeper Jennings later admitted that he hadn’t been sure, but having observed his captain’s patented reaction of fury to conceding a goal (memorably described later as the “f-jesus”) he assumed that it must have been legitimate.

And wouldn’t you know it, when ITV2 took the lead early in the second half, it was in much the same fashion. With perhaps the exception of long-departed stalwart Magnoff, you could hardly hope for a more fearsome advocate of your case during a dispute than the Birkbeck skipper, and his acceptance of the second goal was once again interpreted as a signal for any colleagues to drop any raised eyebrows at the ITV2 celebrations and accept that the team were behind.

Remarkably, though, Birkbeck refused to let their heads drop, and came storming back into the match. Nduka, Walters, Guest and newcomer Garmon ap Garth were forming a potent attacking combination, causing problems for the ITV2 defence, which was eventually breached when Walters slammed home a right-foot shot to bring Birkbeck back into the game.

Before long, Birkbeck had the lead again, with the same players again combining to present ap Garth with a simple tap-in with the goal at his mercy. Sensing that they needed to make the most of their attacking pressure rather than sit back and invite a talented ITV2 team to force their way back into the match, Birkbeck went in search of a two-goal cushion and came close on a number of occasions. Unfortunately, though, the equaliser eventually materialised when an ITV2 attacker made the most of some space on the edge of the box to chip home a classy finish.

Although the final result was perhaps slightly disappointing, this was an encouraging performance from Birkbeck, and if it can be repeated during the final three matches of the season, the team will surely find a way out of their current predicament and secure their survival in the top-flight.

Birkbeck 0 - 1 ITV1

2011-05-11T14:32:00.002+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 - 1 ITV1
Wednesday 4 May 2011

Birkbeck’s difficult season limps towards its close both metaphorically and literally, as an injury hit team took on yet another ITV team. And while the personnel may have changed – new goalkeeper, new captain and even a new blog writer –the story was depressingly familiar. In fact, given that I’ve never written one of these things before, you could actually just view one of the previous five blogs if you want to know what happened and get a few funnier jokes into the bargain.

With goalkeeper Throup suffering from some sort of Repetitive Strain injury [oh, if only it were that simple - RT], occasional reserve Jennings was called upon to take up the gloves, while with Captain Schmidt incapacitated, Pearce was slowest (not for the last time unfortunately) to move away from Manager Parrott and the dreaded armband. Birkbeck initially implemented the “pretty and ineffective” phase of the performance, with Nduka and Scott in particular working well together to fashion openings which the team contrived to spurn, and Fretwell and Duffin also getting into positions that looked like they might lead to chances without ever quite getting to the bit where the round white thing ends up in the onion bag.

ITV did a fairly good job themselves of looking the part, doing lots of pointing, shouting, encouraging and the odd bit of arguing, and did display an excellent understanding of park rules football when, following an innocuous challenge from Fretwell, their lead shouty person grabbed the ball, strode confidently to the penalty spot, placed it and dared the opposition to contradict his decision. Alex Ferguson would have earned himself at least a season in the directors box, but with manager Parrott’s more dignified approach and Captain Pearce’s evident to desire to finish the match at some point before his 2.30 meeting, the decision was allowed to stand. However, Jennings was equal to the task, and ensured justice was done with an excellent save.

Birkbeck then moved into the game-ending defensive howler phase however. It was rather unsporting for ITV to turn up with a player who had evidently played the game before at some level of competence, but Pearce’s decision to shepherd him down the middle of the pitch and into a position six yards from goal with the ball at his feet was not one from the coaching manual. Jennings had no chance with the low shot into the corner, which left Birkbeck having to achieve something they had only achieved once in 2011 so far, and actually score a goal.

Half time came and went and with it came Phase 3, and the bit where we grind out a narrow defeat. I’d like to say it is my poor memory and the passing of a week since the match that means that the remaining highlights of the game are scant. But the reality is that Stuart Hall himself would have been hard pressed to give a 3 minute summary on the remainder of the match. Scott decided at half time, with his line manager viewing darkly from the bench, that it would be wise to turn up on time for his afternoon training course, and was replaced by substitute and debutant Guest, who gave a text book man-marking demonstration on the opposition star player throughout the second half. This squeezed the remaining drops of creativity out of the game; I seem to remember Nduka forcing their keeper into a save, and the opposition missing something of an open goal, but a more astute groundkeeper could have probably raised a few quid by renting out the back of either net as a family picnic area for the second half without much complaint.

So it’s another chance in the next match for Birkbeck to reap society’s revenge for Britain’s Got Talent as another ITV team come to Coram Fields to do battle. The keeper and captain remain indisposed, but the stage is set for a lazarus-style comeback with a Birkbeck team committed to buccaneering attacking football with a who dares wins approach, always remembering that it doesn’t matter how many the opposition score as long as we score one more.

There again we might turn up, run around and shout loads, create little and then fall over at the wrong moment and lose 1-0.

Watch this space.

Thanks to Trevor for the blog report - fan mail/complaints re: misrepresentation should go to him directly.

Birkbeck 0 -3 FIVE

2011-03-17T15:36:00.002Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 -3 FIVE
Tuesday 15 March 2011, 1-2pm

Encouraging recent performances aside, keen-eyed observers will nevertheless have noted that points have been hard to come by for Birkbeck this season, and with the number of matches remaining receding rapidly, a call-to-arms was issued by the management in an attempt to ensure that the strongest possible squad for this match was summoned.

Remarkably, it had the desired effect, and for once Birkbeck were spoiled for choice when it came to team selection. Following extensive and occasionally heated meetings to discuss the compositon of the squad (okay, a ten-minute chat in Andi’s office) a plan was formed: yes, this was the team that was going to turn the season around with a hard-won victory.

Now, I’m doing my best to tell a story here, but frankly, when the result’s at the very top of the screen, you kind of already know how it ends (and probably did so even before reading this if, as I suspect, the likely readership of this blog consists of those who actually played in the match – unless of course the trauma of each defeat requires that you put the whole ordeal out of your mind, possibly with the assistance of professional psychotherapeutic assistance).

It all started, though, with an air of genuine belief and expectation that the team could grab a much-needed win. Indeed, Birkbeck were quickest out of the blocks and made an encouraging start, creating chances and looking more likely to open the scoring. In fact, this was perhaps Birkbeck’s most potent attacking performance of the season so far, to the extent that the sheer number of opportunities that they spurned would be beyond the capabilities of the human mind to recall, without the aid of a video camera or, at least, a notebook. That’s my excuse anyway – perhaps these reports will be more detailed when I’m not actually playing.

With opportunities coming thick and fast for Birkbeck, little had been seen of FIVE, flying high at the opposite end of the league to Birkbeck. However, without having given much notice of their ability or inclination to score the first goal, they managed to do just that, seizing on some indecision in the Birkbeck defence to create a long-range opportunity which was finished in some style.

Birkbeck continued to press, but soon it was 2-0 to FIVE, following a swift counter-attack and passing move which allowed the FIVE forward to slot home at close range with the goal at his mercy. Confidence visibly dented, Birkbeck nevertheless held their own for the duration of the half, the tail-end of which was marred by dubious challenges, disputed decisions and a general air of tetchiness that occasionally threatened to boil over.

Perhaps it was Birkbeck skipper Schmidt’s robust defence of his side’s integrity that led to his incapacitation early in the second half. The challenge in question, while fair, was certainly from the chapter of the Stuart Pearce coaching manual entitled, ‘This’ll shut ‘im up’, and as the opposing player concerned strutted away with studied nonchalance, Birkbeck’s management and substitutes were called upon to assist their captain in finding his way to the nearest hospital.

As ever, the game became more open in the second half, and though FIVE threatened to add to their lead, Birkbeck also had opportunities to get back into it. I can recall some specifics, but it would be unfair to single anyone out for missing chances when my recollection is sketchy at best. Let’s couch things in the most positive terms possibly by saying that Nduka was a constant thorn in the side of the defence and caused problems all match, and that Walters worked hard to get into goalscoring positions on more than one occasion. (And if they did miss chances - which I’m not saying they did - they weren’t the only ones).

Anyway, it finished 3-0 to FIVE as an increasingly ragged Birkbeck defence were unable to cope with a sustained period of possession on the edge of their area, and the resulting shot through a crowd found its way into the net with the Birkbeck ‘keeper floundering.

While FIVE certainly deserved their win for being more clinical in front of goal, the result was a harsh reflection of Birkbeck’s efforts. An early goal could have made all the difference to the outcome, but it was not to be. Nevertheless, credit must go to all of the squad for a mighty effort, both on the pitch and in support of the team.

Birkbeck 0 – 2 UKSport

2011-02-15T20:12:00.004Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 2 UKSport
Tuesday 8 February 2011, 1-2pm

With both teams lurking near the bottom of the table, this is the kind of match that would have had pundits employing execrable phrases such as “It’s a big, big game for both sides” (Andy Townsend) or “It’s the proverbial six-pointer for these two teams, who are locked into a relegation dogfight!” (Anyone working for Sky Sports - and, yes, the exclamation mark is necessary) had it been a high-profile, televised game of football, rather than a guileless lunchtime kickabout.

Although Birkbeck FC’s administrator had cheerily confirmed a squad list with at least 11 names on it the day before the match, the team’s preparations were hit by two late withdrawals. Duffin (who – for the record – is not the current joint-top scorer) and the usually-reliable Billy Scott both withdrew on the morning of the match, citing, respectively, work pressures and an injury sustained while changing a light fitting as excuses (cue predictable jokes re: “How many Birkbeck players does it take...” etc).

Echoing last week’s promising start, Birkbeck again had the better of the opening exchanges, and should have established an early lead. Nduka, playing in a more central role than in previous matches, twice found himself bearing down on goal, only to be foiled by the ‘keeper, and then the post, as Birkbeck failed to press home their advantage.

Inevitably, though, it was UKSport who scored first, a scrappy effort which saw the Birkbeck ‘keeper block the initial shot but fail to either hold onto or clear the ball, allowing the UKSport attacker to slot the ball into an empty net. Once again, Birkbeck were forced to chase the game, posing problems for their opponents, but also leaving gaps at the back to be exploited.

Despite one or two hairy moments, including the customary panic just prior to the half-time whistle, Birkbeck went into the break only a single goal down. Earnest discussion followed and it was agreed that letting in any more goals should be avoided at all costs, while the team should also seek to score at least one goal of their own. Sadly, though, this plan backfired when UKSport doubled their lead with a scorching low shot from outside the area.

The temptation to resort to industrial language, however great, had to be curbed by the arrival at the Birkbeck end of a polite middle-aged man and his young son, who would not have taken kindly to such utterings [and quite right too, you ill-mannered monster – a reader]. During a brief conversation with the Birkbeck ‘keeper during the second-half, the observation of this most unbiased of observers (unless he was a UKSport plant) was that Birkbeck were largely coming off second best in this particular contest.

Indeed, with energy levels depleting rapidly, thanks in no small part to the mysterious arrival of some warm weather, Birkbeck never really looked like regaining their early impetus. With the clock ticking down, the polite man disappeared, to be replaced by a rampaging mob of seven year-olds awaiting use of the pitch. As they watched the match’s closing stages, one of their number suggested that they should cheer for the white shirts of England (UKSport) until the final whistle. It was probably with this in mind that one excitable scamp called for Birkbeck’s opponents to “bring on Defoe!” – but it drew some anxious glances towards the UKSport bench nonetheless.

Of course, the dislikeable dodger of speeding fines from Tottenham was not warming up on the touchline, although had he managed to get on he probably would have put away some of the very decent chances created by UKSport in the game’s final moments. In the end, the match petered out as a UKSport player (not wearing shinpads – a lesson for you there, kids) sustained an injury following a seemingly innocuous challenge from the Deputy Academic Registrar.

Another disappointing result, then, but credit to all Birkbeck players for their commitment and endeavour. Oh, and let the record show that striker-turned-defender-turned-striker Schmidt once again threw himself forward during the second half, but no gilt-edged opportunities were spurned. Because, er, none were created, frankly.

Next time – let’s actually take the lead and then park the bus in front of the goal. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Birkbeck 1 - 3 CARAT

2011-02-06T20:18:00.000Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 – 3 CARAT
Wednesday 26 January 2011, 1-2pm

Birkbeck kicked off the New Year without a match since November and without a win since the opening day of the season. December’s game against strugglers MOD had seemed like a good opportunity to get points on the board until Birkbeck’s opponents cancelled at the 11th hour, offering a curious explanation which centred around the temperature of the showers. Perhaps something was lost in translation as the message was relayed from MOD to the Birkbeck manager and then to this correspondent via a series of frantic telephone calls, but with the fishiness of the excuse still hanging in the air it was soon revealed that the MOD had pulled out of the league altogether.

To this match then, and with Birkbeck putting out a strong side, there was some hope of a decent result. Despite manager Parrott’s repeated protestations that Birkbeck’s opponents were an unknown newcomer to the league, anyone casting even the most half-hearted of glances at this blog’s archive would be able to recall a hefty and embarrassing defeat at the end of last season. To be fair, though, Birkbeck were guilty of shooting themselves in the foot on that occasion, and indeed had managed to beat CARAT two years previously (although admittedly with considerable assistance from long departed folk-hero Dumer Jr).

In a refreshing departure from the usual format of recent matches, Birkbeck took the lead here, with Jonah Duffin applying a clinical finish after a defensive mix-up in the CARAT penalty area. Unfortunately, though, it was not to last, with CARAT soon dusting themselves off to come straight back into the game and take a 2-1 lead into the break.

Although CARAT’s slick movement, crisp passing and sureness of touch was apparent for all to see, the goals came from long range efforts, with Birkbeck’s defence giving their opponents too much time and space to line up and execute their (admittedly very well-struck) shots. The first was a low finish which slammed into the bottom-right corner of the net – not quite unstoppable, but very decent nontheless – while the second beat the ‘keeper at his near post, which, as recently discredited pundit Andy Gray might have said, should never happen. Thank God he’s been discredited. [I think lots of others might still have agreed with him on this one though though – a spectator].

Whatever was said at half time, it didn’t work, for CARAT soon extended their lead. This time, it was decent passing and movement that produced the chance, and although the finish was half-stopped by the ‘keeper, it wasn’t enough to prevent it finding the back of the net. Still, the goal seemed to bring Birkbeck to life as their attacking football began to have more purpose once again.

While a goal never came, there were certainly enough nervous moments for CARAT to want to sit on their lead during the game’s final moments. The closest Birkbeck came was during a goalmouth scramble which saw Jennings deflect the ball towards goal via his ankle, although there was also brief hilarity when captain Schmidt, having pushed himself forward to add a killer instinct in front of goal, missed one of the clearest opportunities Birkbeck managed to create all game. Still, while CARAT briefly threatened on the break, Birkbeck could take heart from their superior second-half performance.

The net result, though, was another defeat. As Harry Redknapp must surely once have said while explaining away a run of poor form, if you let in a load of goals and don’t score many, you ain’t gonna win too many football matches. And that, unfortunately, is where Birkbeck are at the moment.

Birkbeck 0 – 0 GOSH

2010-12-04T18:59:00.003Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 0 GOSH
Friday 26 November 2010, 12-1pm

This was a strange match [You’ve already used that one, quite recently – a reader].

Birkbeck started strongly, overwhelming a GOSH side that initially represented a fragile and disorganised rabble, and though early chances were spurned, it seemed only a matter of time until they opened the scoring and sent the team on their way to an easy victory.

Whether GOSH’s early efforts were the result of over-enthusiastic late-night bonding in the pub, or a deliberate attempt to lull their opponents into a false sense of security, their slack marking, laboured movement and inability to keep the ball below head height was not to last, and before long they managed to string a few passes together and began to come into the game as an attacking unit.

While captain Schmidt had been apoplectic with rage at each and every one of Birkbeck’s missed chances in the first half, the frustration had subsided by the half-time interval, where there general consensus was that a positive result was eminently possible. With manager Parrott once again being blessed with the luxury of fit and available substitutes, the pack was shuffled for the second half, but unfortunately the changes failed to bring about the desired result.

Although I can say with certain confidence that Birkbeck created chances in this match, on this occasion the specific details proved too hard to recollect for this correspondent, whose failing memory at a relatively young age is becoming a cause for concern for himself, his close friends and family, and his employers. (Seriously, where the hell are my house keys?)

So, apologies to anyone who played really well and considers themselves unlucky not to have scored at some stage. On the other hand, those who missed extremely easy chances – your cheques better not bounce.

Sadly, the only pertinent fact I seem to be able to recall involves a near-miss at the Birkbeck end, which saw Schmidt almost tarnish an otherwise solid performance by volleying into his own net. Fortunately for all concerned, it flashed past the post, and the resulting corner produced nothing too dangerous, so it can safely go down in history as a decent piece of defending rather than one of the most impressive own goals of all time (c/f – Lee Dixon vs. Coventry, 1991).

At the final whistle, the initial feeling in the Birkbeck camp were that this was two points lost rather than one gained. But with a number of new players in the team and a 5-0 defeat still relatively fresh in the memory, it was suggested that two successive low-scoring draws were representative of a new-found solidity that would be the foundation for further successes later in the season. So stay tuned for good times, which are sure to be just around the corner.

Birkbeck 1 - 1 Limeys

2010-11-21T15:05:00.002Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 - 1 Limeys
Wednesday 10 November 2010, 1-2pm

This was a strange match, against strangely-named (but perfectly well-mannered and sportsmanlike) opposition. Birkbeck were outplayed for much of the game, yet it was their opponents who were chasing an equaliser during the late stages. Once it came, the momentum seemed to be with the Limeys, but then Birkbeck still had clear-cut chances to steal the game in the dying seconds.

(Actually, that pretty much summarises the match, and if I didn't have a reputation for producing wordy and bloated blog posts to uphold, then I'd probably leave it there.)

Anyway, Birkbeck named a strong squad, featuring for the first time in recent memory not one but two fit and available substitutes. After manager Parrott delivered his usual analysis of the opposition ("We don't know much about them" - well, we never do, because our efforts to evaluate the team we're playing never stretches beyond a cursory glance at the table and the briefest of attempts to recollect what happened last time) the team lined up, as ever, not knowing what kind of match lay in store.

Though Birkbeck were in theory better equipped to deal with a strong opponent, they started slowly against an impressive Limeys side full of quality and endeavour. Fortunately they weren't able to press home their advantage, although there were certainly one or two hairy moments, and before the first half was over it was Birkbeck who took the lead, with Nduka demonstrating a sharp turn of pace, racing clear of the defence and slamming home an emphatic left-foot finish.

The second half largely mirrored the first, although as the game became more open Birkbeck certainly had more space to counter-attack. Limeys created plenty of opportunities to equalise, but each time they were foiled by defending of the last-ditch variety, with shots either ricocheting off a sprawling 'keeper or being hacked off the goal-line by a defender.

Just as it seemed victory was a possibility, the Limeys grabbed an equaliser. Birkbeck were slow to close down a short corner, and the resulting shot found its way through a crowd and into the back of the net. With minutes remaining on the clock, the Limeys could smell victory, but as they pressed for a winner, Birkbeck, led by Champion and Nduka, became more dangerous on the break. The latter had the chance to seize the beckoning glory of victory, but sadly, it was not to be.

Still, a late goal would have been harsh on the Limeys, who retreated following their let-off, seemingly happy with a point. The same could be said for Birkbeck, who as usual greeted the final whistle with a sigh of relief. It was a tough match, to be sure, but Birkbeck will have to see off opponents at least as good as this if they want to stay in this division. (Do we want to stay in this division? [Yes - the management and sponsors])

Birkbeck 0 - 1 MediaCom

2010-10-18T10:04:00.001+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 - 1 MediaCom
Wednesday 13 October 2010, 1-2pm

After this match, the MediaCom skipper sent a message to the Birkbeck manager to the effect that they always enjoyed playing against his side. While this was, no doubt, a malice-free, well-intentioned message of good sportsmanship, given the previous history of results between the two sides, one of the following alternative intepretations would also have been legitimate:

1. "We enjoy playing against you because we always win"
2. "We enjoyed playing against you this time because at least you put up a bit of a fight, not like the last match, which you may recall as a pretty one-sided affair"
3. "We enjoy playing against you as you don't dispute each and every free-kick decision, especially since you got rid of that argumentative Swedish defender"

Anyway, this was a decent result against a strong side, achieved by a hastily-assembled Birkbeck team, many of whom were introduced to each other for the first time ten minutes prior to the match. After Dei-Boateng and Miller failed late fitness tests, emergency reinforcements were called for and, faced with the eleventh-hour prospect of manager Parrott donning the gloves and Throup playing outfield (a terrifying prospect for both, had it been necessary), the transfer window was crowbarred open in order for Sean Gainford, Nye Nduka and Trevor Pearce to make their Birkbeck debuts.

MediaCom began strongly, taking an early lead after an opportunity on the edge of the box was finished in some style, following some frankly very decent football. As shoulders slumped it seemed another defeat was in the offing, but to their credit Birkbeck came back into it, with Walters and Nduka combining well down the left, and the latter fashioning a decent opportunity for himself after a strong run, flashing a shot just past the post.

Despite the occasional hairy moment in defence, Birkbeck continued to pose an attacking threat. Arguably the best chance of the match fell to skipper and central defender Schmidt, who had drifted upfield with the cavalier attitude of a man who had to leave for a meeting at half-time, but unfortunately failed to provide the kind of finish that had once seen him win the coveted Birkbeck Golden Boot (it's true).

Birkbeck were forced onto the back foot as half-time approached, but though it seemed manager Parrott's unfortunate habit of blowing the whistle once the opposition's closing-half pressure turned into a goal was set to afflict his team once again, the interval arrived with the score still at 1-0.

After words of cautious optimism were exchanged, the match re-started as the first half had finished, but rather than crumbling under pressure, their makeshift defence stood firm, marshalled well by second-half substitute Pearce. This was the Birkbeck of old: coming up against a strong team but managing to stay in the match and looking to nick a goal on the break.

A draw seemed within reach, but to be fair MediaCom continued to create the better chances, with a low cross narrowly evading the outstretched boot of an opposition striker with the goal at his mercy, and a strong shot thumping against the foot of the Birkbeck post in the dying seconds.

Still, after conceding some unfortunate goals against ITV4 in the previous match, Birkbeck deserved a bit of luck this time around. Credit to all of the Birkbeck team for this performance, and special thanks to all the new players for answering the call at short notice.

Next up: Birkbeck vs. Limeys (no, I've no idea, either)

Birkbeck 0 – 5 ITV4

2010-10-03T16:25:00.002+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 5 ITV4
Wednesday 29 September 2010, 1-2pm

After a positive result in the opening match of the season, Birkbeck came crashing back down to earth with a thump here, being outclassed by an altogether younger, fitter and more accomplished side.

Still, it could be argued that the scoreline was an unnecessarily harsh reflection of Birkbeck’s efforts throughout the match, and they were more than a match for their opponents during the opening exchanges. In fact, when ITV4 took the lead, it was in a more than fortuitous manner, when Scott Miller diverted a low cross into the top corner of his own net. It was, to be fair, an unstoppable shot – Birkbeck’s forwards, take note.

To their credit, Birkbeck came back into the match, with the midfield combination of Walters, Duffin and newcomer Krishna Tirbhowan fashioning some decent passing moves. Chances were few and far between, the best of which fell to Tirbhowan when he found himself through on goal, only to be foiled by the onrushing ‘keeper.

Things got even better for Birkbeck when ITV4’s dangerous and imposing centre-half with a reputation for scoring from long-range was nobbled by a (fair) challenge from Miller and forced to sit out the rest of the match. But just as Birkbeck were breathing a collective sigh of relief, ITV4 struck again on the stroke of half-time when a speculative shot from the edge of the box found its way into the corner of the net.

The general consensus at the interval was that things hadn’t gone too badly, but that coming back from 2-0 down was going to represent an uphill struggle. And so it proved, with goal number three arriving not long after the restart when the Birkbeck ‘keeper spilled a long-range shot, allowing the ITV4 attacker to finish from close range.

As Birkbeck pressed for an equaliser, the game became more open, allowing ITV4 to counter-attack. A fourth goal was added after an impressive cross was finished on the volley, while number five again arrived via the boot of Miller following a comical goalmouth scramble which saw the Birkbeck right-back slice an attempted goal-line clearance into his own net.

In the immediate aftermath of the final goal, ‘keeper Throup gracelessly enquired whether that was, indeed, his defensive colleague’s second own goal of the match, thus entitling him to share an unwanted record he had previously held alone. Thankfully, no other records (e.g. goals conceded in a single match) came under threat.

And that was pretty much that. A game to forget for all concerned, then, but possibly not as bad a performance as the scoreline suggests.

Don’t worry fellas, the next match is against MediaCom, who, er, should be no bother at all. Three points in the bag, I reckon.

(p.s. Don't check last season's results. Thanks)

Birkbeck 2 - 1 ITV3

2010-10-03T13:03:00.004+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 2 - 1 ITV3
Thursday 16 September 2010, 1-2pm

Editor's note: Thanks to Dave for this match report, and for donning the gloves...

A new season, a new age, a new team. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, so the saying goes. Having survived last season by a hair’s breadth, Birkbeck again had problems with regular numbers and complete lack of pre-season training. A lack of cohesion was the gaffer’s main concern.

The teams rigid selection process, of a player’s ability to pick up a phone or answer an email, proved again to be a key tactic for ensuring one of Birkbeck’s glorious victories in the club’s history. One player even flew in straight from Spain, clearly returning from a rigid training programme provided by the Glenn Hoddle Academy. Most players however came from more basic training facilities.
Much concern was raised about numbers, but by kick off 8 were on the pitch, sadly by the end of it 7 walked off the pitch, this is a testament to just how hard and fierce this game was, with fast movement and clashing legs (dare I say a few slide tackles sneaked in for good measure), providing nonstop adrenaline rushes and end to end goal mouth action.

The first 15 minutes provided very slick football and both teams were equal to those 50/50 balls. This made nil-nil a possible scoreline at full-time and someone dying of exhaustion more likely. A breakthrough and a casual rest by walking back to your own half after a goal scored was badly needed, even for the goalkeepers! Thankfully debutant Tommy Champion kept his pace going for 30 extra seconds to race through the oppositions half and calmly place his shot into the corner, to open his account.

The game quickly restarted and the tempo again rose higher and higher, now the sweat was really in full flow, legs flailing, marking lax, and the barrage of ITVs attack continued, with the defence and goalkeeper frustrating and providing fierce resistance. Sadly however good movement is the key to many goals an opening appeared for their striker and most annoying man of the match award holder slotted the ball beyond second choice keepers trailing leg. Despair, anguish and frustration was on the look of everybody’s face as the game restarted. The last five minutes was a tense affair but was largely uneventful.

After a spirited team talk, the second half was underway and started in similar fashion to the first everything was going well. However midway through the second half Birkbeck lost a player to extra-mural commitments, in a game like this you really don’t want to be a man down, as advised in Alan Hansen’s autobiography. The game naturally turned in ITVs favour, with increasing number of shots and the frame of the goal being hit on several occasions, Birkbeck’s only option was counter attack.

Fortunately this was favourable to debutant Champion who again could use his pace to full advantage, by carving up the ITV defence, to slot home a surprising winner. One late save from the Birkbeck 'keeper ensured that Birkbeck took home all the points, on a magnificent and valiant team performance.

2009/10 Season Summary

2010-10-03T12:50:00.000+01:00

Goal Scorers

Scott: 4
Tacon: 3
Dei-Boateng: 2
Fretwell: 2
Hodgins: 2
Taylor: 2
Turakhanov: 2
Jennings: 1
Walters: 1

Birkbeck 2 – 6 CARAT

2010-05-09T12:43:00.002+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 2 – 6 CARAT
Wednesday 28 April 2010, 1-2pm

Birkbeck don’t have the best of records in end-of-game fixtures, and even with superstitious members of the squad warning against complacency and manager Parrott under strict instructions not to bring champagne to the match, that tradition continued here with a heavy defeat.

Birkbeck hopes were lifted when CARAT fielded a portly grey-haired gentleman as their lone striker, and certainly the balance of play in the first half gave very few indications of the embarrassment to come. Still, despite some encouraging play and a handful of decent chances, they found themselves 1-0 down at the break thanks to a fine solo run and shot from CARAT’s standout player who was to prove increasingly influential throughout the game.

As ever, though, Birkbeck fell apart in the second half, conceding a slew of further goals during a twenty minute period of play traumatic enough to cause the human brain to block out most of the pertinent details in order to allow those involved to continue living normal, healthy lives. Well, until you wake up screaming in the night traumatised by a sudden flashback to the horrible truth. It was just a bad dream, you tell yourself - but that bad dream actually happened. And that’s when you realise it’s going to stay with you the rest of your life...

Or perhaps that’s just me [Yes, it is – everyone else on the pitch]. After somehow finding themselves 6-0 down, and with the opposition still tittering childishly at the final goal (remember Peter Enckelman’s clanger in the 2002/3 Birmingham derby? It was like that, but worse), Birkbeck managed to rouse themselves to produce a final flourish and restore some pride through consolation goals from Taylor and Walters.

Still, it was a difficult result to take, especially as Birkbeck had played some decent football and fashioned a good few opportunities of their own (specific details lost due to the above) against a mid-table side from whom they took all three points last season.

With other teams around them still having matches to play, Birkbeck’s future in the division remains uncertain at the time of writing, although club-captain Schmidt has confidently asserted, with the aid of a calculator, that it would take a particularly unfortunate series of results for the team to face relegation.

Thanks to everyone who turned out for the team throughout the season, and also to the manager for his tireless dedication and enthusiasm. I’ve hung up the gloves and enrolled myself at the local clown college, but when I get back I’ll see you all for the awards ‘dinner and dance’ (details to be circulated).

Birkbeck 2 – 2 Five TV

2010-04-17T14:05:00.003+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 2 – 2 Five TV
Tuesday 30 March 2010, 1-2pm

With the win against ITV providing some confidence and momentum going into this match, expectations of a positive result for Birkbeck were reasonably high. And so, with two matches remaining, the Birkbeck FC administrator sent around a communication identifying their opponents as ‘mid-table sides’ that they could give a jolly good thrashing to and move into upper table respectability.

For the sake of the College, it’s to be hoped that this particular employee exercises more care and attention with his daily work than with the pre-match scouting reports, as it was later revealed that Five were in fact top of the table. Striding out in their faux Real Madrid kit, they certainly represented an imposing sight, with one player in particular standing out as a potentially fearsome opponent. Seriously, this guy was huge - he was like a boss character from Double Dragon or Streets of Rage.

Still, Birkbeck had a few tricks of their own up their sleeve, and with the usual squad decimated by injuries and withdrawals (well, about three people e-mailed to say they couldn’t make it), some last minute negotiations secured the services of Birkbeck student captain Nathan Fretwell.

Despite Five’s obvious quality, it was Birkbeck who had the better of the first half, and it was Fretwell who grabbed the first goal. Billy Scott chased down a seemingly lost cause to win the ball and then poke a shot towards goal which the ‘keeper fumbled momentarily, only for the Birkbeck midfielder to pounce and smash the ball into the net from close range. That was the way it stayed until half time, but Five came back out with renewed purpose in the second half, and as Birkbeck continued to defend stoutly, one or two meaty challenges and niggly arguments started to surface.

Just as frustration seemed to be getting the better of them, Five conjured an equaliser, gifted to them by the Birkbeck goalkeeper dropping a fairly innocuous cross into the path of a Five attacker, who gratefully applied the finish. Remarkably, though, Birkbeck then re-took the lead, when Fretwell, who had moved up front after Scott had limped from the field injured, capitalised on some indecision in the Five defence to round the ‘keeper and score from a tight angle.

Victory, then, was certainly possible, and it could have been sealed had Birkbeck managed to secure at least one of two very solid penalty appeals, but sadly it was not to be. With a feeling of injustice prevailing, Birkbeck allowed themselves to be distracted by another rough challenge during a Five attacking move, and the subsequent loss of concentration allowed the team from the fifth-best terrestrial channel to squeeze home an equalizer.

Still, this was another very creditable performance against one of the very top sides in the league. The next, and final, match is against CARAT – who are definitely mid-table. Definitely.

Birkbeck 4 – 2 ITV3

2010-03-17T21:46:00.003Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 4 – 2 ITV3
Tuesday 16 March 2010

Despite putting in some decent performances of late, Birkbeck came into this match with their last positive result a distant memory. To pluck a phrase from the great book of footballing clichés, it was getting to the stage where Birkbeck didn’t look like they knew how to win a game of football, Gary.

And for a dreadful few moments in this match, it seemed as if victory was to elude Birkbeck once again. A dominant first half-performance had seen them take a deserved lead thanks to a classy long-range finish from Tacon, only for the lead to be snatched away through a scrappy ITV3 toe-poke just prior to half-time.

Although the half-time message was positive – to keep playing as they had been – the suspicion lingered that Birkbeck might not get what they deserved out of the game. And sure enough, it was ITV3 who took the lead when they conjured a goal out of nowhere, as a cross from a seemingly innocuous position turned out to be a precision pass which allowed an ITV striker to side-foot home with ease.

Curiously, he wheeled away exclaiming “Pavlyuchenko!” in the manner of an eight-year old boy offering a commentary on his own performance in the back garden. I suppose it could have been the wantaway Russian himself, stooping to a new low in search of some match practice [actually, I think you’ll find he’s been starting matches, and scoring, recently – Spurs fan] - but I wasn’t really paying attention.

Whatever, it was slightly strange, with the potential to be amusing had it been a late consolation goal at the tail-end of a crushing victory for Birkbeck. Unfortunately, though, at that stage it seemed more like the killer blow that was to put an end to their hopes of getting anything from the game (ie not funny at all, really).

To their credit, Birkbeck never gave up, and soon enough they were level, with substitute (and recent debutant) Oybek Turakhanov providing a cool finish with the goal at his mercy to bring his new team back into the game. With confidence renewed, the team sensed an opportunity to seal the victory, and after significant pressure, the lead once again belonged to Birkbeck, courtesy of another fine goal from Oybek.

The match had been relatively uncontroversial up to that point, but as Birkbeck celebrated, some doubt was expressed as to the validity of the goal, with some ITV3 players claiming that the ball had found its way into the net via a hole in the side netting. Like Arséne Wenger, I didn’t see the incident, but strong intervention from Captain Schmidt soon resolved any doubts in Birkbeck’s favour.

Still, it was nice for Birkbeck to add another to settle the game, and as the final whistle approached, Billy Scott found himself clear and thumped home a fourth with a shot that had the ITV3 goalkeeper fearing for his life.

If the scoreline was slightly flattering, a win was no more than Birkbeck deserved, and credit must go to all the players, especially in midfield, for their careful and intelligent use of the ball throughout the match, and for keeping their heads under pressure when they found themselves behind against the run of play. With any luck this result could be the catalyst for a positive finish to a difficult season.

Birkbeck 1 – 3 ITV1

2010-03-09T20:46:00.002Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 – 3 ITV1
Wednesday 3 March 2010, 1-2pm

This match was over before half-time after a sluggish start from Birkbeck allowed ITV1 to race into a 3-0 lead.

Once again, late selection issues forced a scramble for players and a last-minute tactical re-think and Birkbeck began the game with seven men. As it turned out, little damage had been done by the time the eighth man arrived, although there was a mild sense of panic as the team struggled to draw to their manager’s attention the fact that new recruit Oybek would require access to the dressing room before he would be able to join them on the pitch.

As the extremely drawn-out process of finding the dressing room key finally came to an end, Birkbeck found themselves a goal behind. A slick move from ITV1 ended with a solid but eminently saveable shot squirm into the net under the flailing arms of the Birkbeck ‘keeper.

A blink of an eye later, it was 2-0, with ITV1 once again fashioning a decent opportunity which was finished with aplomb. The Birkbeck defence, ‘keeper included, could probably have done more to close down the shot, but in truth ITV had been quicker out of the blocks and deserved their lead.

Having graciously acknowledged the superiority of the opposition, let us now state, without accusations of bias, that their third goal was a bit of a fluke, albeit one that might reasonably find its way onto a DVD of goalkeeping howlers. A cross from wide smashed against the near post, then deflected into the goal via the heel of the Birkbeck goalkeeper. Does that count as an own goal? [Yes, it does – a reader who understands football]

Things didn’t look good at half-time, but stirring words from stand-in skipper and central defender Walters (Schmidt having earlier made use of the “I can’t play football today” app on the iPhone) – essentially to the effect that things couldn’t really get any worse – brought the team to life in the second half.

A switch from 3-3-1 to 2-4-1 could also have been a factor, with Miller joining the midfield and providing marauding runs on the right-hand side. In the centre, Bates and Tacon worked hard to wrest control of the midfield, linking up well with Scott up front to fashion some decent opportunities.

ITV’s response to Birkbeck’s improved display turned from complacent indifference to tetchy irritation once Tacon slammed home a goal, Birkbeck’s first in four games. Marginal refereeing decisions, previously settled with an amicable shrug of the shoulders, now became matters of contentious debate, prompting ITV’s irascible left winger to spout a predictable stream of nonsense, accompanied by well-practised gestures copied from his football heroes off the telly (bless).

Still, despite causing some genuine problems, a draw was never really on the cards for Birkbeck, who found themselves caught on the break on one or two occasions as they surged forward. The only other incident of note came in the final seconds as Tacon surged past an ITV defender who promptly collapsed as if shot by a sniper. Stunned into concern for his opponent’s welfare, the Birkbeck midfielder then subtly spurned the chance he’d created for himself by applying a heavy second touch Carlton Palmer would have been proud of before joining the crowd of concerned onlookers.

It turned out the poor chap had come into the match with a broken rib – now that’s the kind of commitment we could do with at Birkbeck FC, although incidentally he was still lying on the floor writhing around in pain as we retired to the dressing room.

Anyway, if Birkbeck were heartened by their improved performance, a touch of gloss was taken of it by the words of the opposition skipper, barked at high volume into the ears of his team mates: “That’s the worst we’ve played all [expletive deleted] season.” The same, sadly, can’t be said for Birkbeck, although had it not been for the lacklustre first half display, they could have had a chance of getting something from the game.

Birkbeck 0 – 4 Universal

2010-02-21T11:05:00.002Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 4 Universal
Thursday 11 February 2010, 1-2pm

Although this wasn’t Birkbeck’s heaviest defeat of the season, it was certainly their poorest performance for quite a while.

The team went into the match with confidence boosted by a heroic display against UKSport, but despite facing moderate opposition this time around, they delivered a first half performance which was hesitant at best, with things going from bad to worse in the second period.

There’s a tendency to over-analyse football these days, but essentially it’s a simple game: you need to score more goals than the opposition. Unfortunately Birkbeck currently look like they couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo up front, while simultaneously offering the use of their banjo and directions to the nearest barn to the opposition at the other end.

Those expecting an insightful and detailed account of an hour-long football match obviously haven’t visited this blog in the past 18 months or so, however, despite this, and the order of a media blackout from Kaiser Schmidt, it’s probably worth mentioning a few specifics.

Birkbeck were lucky to go in at half-time only the one goal down as Universal spurned a couple of great chances following swift counter-attacks. Despite a steely exchange of words at the break, the match was virtually over ten minutes into the second half, with goals two and three following in quick succession.

At 3-0, Birkbeck were finally sparked into life and spent a significant amount of time camped in the Universal box, but the pressure never converted into goals. Meanwhile, Universal remained dangerous on the break and eventually added a fourth goal to round off a fairly embarrassing day for Birkbeck.

However, with many points still up for grabs, there’s no point dwelling on this performance or the result. Three games in March look likely to determine Birkbeck’s fate in this division. Stay tuned to this blog to find out what happened, at least a week after it actually happened...

Birkbeck 0 - 0 UKSport

2010-02-06T17:08:00.002Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 0 UKSport
Monday 1 February 2010, 1-2pm

For anyone unaware of the debacle that was Birkbeck’s defeat to the same opposition last year (and shame on you for not clicking on the link tantalisingly dangled at the bottom of the last match report), a quick re-cap: the match started with Birkbeck a man short and their manager frantically to contact his mysteriously-absent star striker (now departed on a rolling season-long loan) and ended in a humiliating 5-0 thrashing that came with relative ease considering that victorious team had charitably agreed to also play with seven players.

It was perhaps no surprise, then, that Birkbeck approached the match with only distant hopes of pulling off a glorious victory. Although such a result ultimately eluded them, this was nevertheless a performance worthy of a win, full of industry, endeavour, and no small amount of quality.

The pre-match team talk was roughly twice as long as usual, with the assembled squad discussing the merits of a 2-4-1 formation before manager Parrott arrived to announce the line-up in its usual 3-3-1 configuration. After an in-depth discussion, a game-plan was finally established, however such was the complexity of the debate surrounding the make-up of the starting midfield four, the detail of who was playing where and why escapes me even now.

Anyway, whoever was playing, they did a good job, and after the opening exchanges it was clear that the new formation was working well. Birkbeck were able to start with both Kirkland and Schmidt in defence, who largely kept the UKSport attackers at bay, while the extra man in midfield enabled the team to pose more of an attacking threat, leaving lone striker Scott less isolated than in other recent matches.

For the first time in a few matches, Birkbeck had the better of the chances, the best of which came on the stroke of half time, where a cracking double save from UKSport’s wily old fox of a keeper thwarted successive shots from Birkbeck attackers. At the other end, having reviewed video-tapes of the Birkbeck goalkeeper’s recent performances, UKSport clearly fancied their chances from range, but despite getting a couple of goalbound chances away they were dealt with easily enough.

Birkbeck went in at half time satisfied with their performance, but exercised cautious optimism as on other occasions this season, decent first-half showings have ended up as embarrassing thrashings – in terms of scoreline, at least – at the final whistle. If anything, though, Birkbeck played even better in the second half, with the Jennings and Walters running themselves into the ground on each flank, and Bates and Tacon combining well with Scott through the middle to fashion a number of decent opportunities.

The attacking threat was complemented by the occasional bombarding run from the back by Kirkland, which caused panic in the UKSport defence on more than one occasion. Still, with the UKSport ‘keeper in inspired form, Birkbeck seemed destined not to hit the back of the net, and when a fingertip save deflected a screamer of a shot from Bates away for a corner via the post, it seemed to confirm that the elusive piece of luck that could have turned the game in their favour was to evade them.

As the game opened up, it started to look as if a draw against the top team wasn’t going to be such a bad result after all. It looked like an even better one after UKSport were dramatically gifted an opportunity from the penalty spot with only minutes remaining after their centre-forward was bundled to the ground inside the Birkbeck area. Fortunately, though, the kick itself lacked conviction, a side-footed shot towards the centre of the goal at a comfortable height, which allowed the ‘keeper to make a glorious save with his face.

Remarkably, with Birkbeck’s coaching staff for once entrusted with the task of blowing the final whistle, that was not the final act of the match, and with UKSport finishing the match strongly, manager Parrott was on the receiving end of some quizzical looks from his exhausted charges as they tried to run down the clock.

Eventually the match did come to an end, and despite inevitable relief at avoiding late defeat, Birkbeck could reflect on the fact that they matched one of the league’s strongest teams, and on another day it was a match they could have won. Still, a point is better than none. Three next time would be even better, of course.

Birkbeck 0 – 4 ITV2

2010-01-26T22:47:00.001Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 4 ITV2
Wednesday 20 January 2010, 1-2pm

Having endured a mixed start to the season, Birkbeck nevertheless entered the new year occupying a reasonable position in the table, albeit in the knowledge that the toughest fixtures were yet to come.

Indeed, were this the level of football that members of the general public actually cared about, researchers for the BBC’s Football Focus would no doubt have highlighted the difficulty of Birkbeck’s upcoming fixtures to act as a discussion point to pad out an otherwise dull piece about a mid-table team.

Thankfully, though, Lee Dixon doesn’t have to reluctantly offer his thoughts on Birkbeck’s plight, and so, free from media speculation about a potential relegation battle, Birkbeck entered the match reasonably strong in spirit, if not in numbers – once again, manager Parrott had to select from a bare minimum of eight.

Still, last season’s 5-0 defeat to the same opponents didn’t exactly inspire confidence, and even if most of the squad remained in blissful ignorance of the previous mauling, the Birkbeck goalkeeper was on hand to remind everyone:

BBK Player: How did we get on against this lot last time?
Goalie: We got hammered, 5-0. Could have been more.

To make things worse, at around ten minutes to kick-off, the manager, kit and several of the proposed starting line-up were noticeable by their absence from the changing room. Returning hero Magnoff had been tempted back into the squad during a recent bravado-laden drinking session in the Birkbeck bar, but it soon became apparent that those who had coaxed him into turning out had not in fact made themselves available for the match.

Once the eight hardy souls concerned had arrived and been sent onto the pitch (suitably attired and instructed), Birkbeck did well to keep a strong ITV2 team at bay during the first half. Although they didn’t create much in the way of clear-cut chances, the same could be said for their opponents, who found it hard to match Birkbeck's the defensive solidity.

Sadly, it all went to pieces in the second half. The rot set in with the first goal, a soft effort from outside the area that should really have been saved. Shortly afterwards, ITV2 had a chance to double their lead from the penalty spot after a cynical trip from Magnoff upended an ITV2 attacker. Despite protesting his innocence, there was uncharacteristically little argument from Birkbeck, with captain for the day Walters later proclaiming it “the most blatant penalty I’ve ever seen”.

Needless to say, whoever took the penalty slammed it home with little trouble. By this point, Birkbeck were chasing the game, and although this created more attacking pressure, and indeed some concerns in the ITV2 defence, the opposition nevertheless had plenty of opportunities to make their victory safe.

It was inevitable that ITV2 would eventually take one of their chances, and so it proved, with a swift counter-attack sending two forwards clear of the Birkbeck defence and the goal was sealed with a calm finish. With the match seemingly in the bag, the team from the channel that shows 2 Fast 2 Furious more times than any other free-to-air station seemed remarkably keen for it to end as Birkbeck sought a consolation.

Birkbeck had created chances throughout the second half, none better than the opportunity that fell to James Bell with the final whistle looming, but it was ITV2 who grabbed the final goal, another weak effort that was half-saved by Throup before being pummelled into the net from close range by a grateful ITV2 attacker.

Still, all things considered, it was a creditable performance from Birkbeck against undoubtedly one of the stronger teams in the division. If nothing else, a 4-0 defeat represents an improvement on last year by a factor of one goal. That’s the mathematical truth.

Next up: UK Sport. Here’s to a squad of more than seven players...

Birkbeck 1 – 2 ITV4

2010-01-26T22:46:00.000Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 – 2 ITV4
Tuesday 15 December 2009, 1-2pm

Birkbeck came into this match with renewed optimism following their heroic victory over Goodenough, yet midway through the first half they somehow managed to find themselves 2-0 down to an ITV4 team they defeated with reasonable comfort last season.

Despite fielding a strong starting line-up, a disappointing first-half performance allowed ITV4 to seize the initiative. Player-coach Taylor’s half-time assessment was frank (and familiar to veterans of several below-par performances): “We’ve got to do better than this, boys”.

And do better they did, thanks in no small part to second-half sub Taylor, who grabbed the goal that Birkbeck’s improved play deserved by emphatically smashing home a finish following a decent passing move.

Birkbeck poured forward in search of an equaliser, aided by a more adventurous 2-4-1 formation that seemed more successful at retaining possession and keeping pressure on the ball in the opposition’s half.

On the negative side, though, it did seem to ask more of the players on the pitch, with stand-in central defender Kirkland bombing back and forth to seemingly no ill-effect, until he was spied crouching in the centre-circle contemplating how acceptable it might be to throw up on that very spot.

Other than that, I can’t really remember what happened, to be honest. It was quite a long time ago. If you think you played well, give yourself a pat on the back and console yourself with the fact that only you and your team-mates read this blog anyway.

Birkbeck 2 – 1 Goodenough

2009-11-28T19:27:00.003Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 2 – 1 Goodenough
Thursday 19 November 2009, 1-2pm

With Birkbeck tails firmly between legs after a fearful drubbing at the hands of MediaCom, the odds were not especially in favour of the side achieving a positive result against last season’s high flyers Goodenough.

However, as any ex-footballer paid to spout the same tired old clichés to fill pre-match airtime will tell you, anything can happen in football. And indeed, anything did, er, happen – by which I mean of course that Birkbeck won the match.

There was little sign of what was to come, though, when Goodenough took an early lead. After Birkbeck failed to clear a cross, a Goodenough attacker was left with enough time and space in the area to smash the ball past a hesitant keeper and into the back of the net.

At 1-0 down, it seemed as if the wheels could once again fall off for Birkbeck, despite some good possession and some promising attacking play. However, they were literally handed a way back into the game when a Goodenough player handled the ball in the area following a Birkbeck corner.

It was an offence so blatant that even one-time Birkbeck bad-boy Magnoff might have owned up to it, with the lack of debate over the penalty award a marked contrast to the usual niggles about free-kicks which punctuated the rest of the game. Dei-Boateng stepped up to take the penalty and put it away with the minimum of fuss.

A lack of substitutes meant that manager Parrott’s tactical options were limited, but having delivered some stirring words of inspiration during the interval, Birkbeck began the second half the stronger team. Attacks down the left wing were proving particularly fruitful, with William Ackah making some surging attacking runs from defence and James Bell defending from the front and keeping pressure on the ball in the Goodenough half.

Goodenough also seemed vulnerable on the counter, with the long through pass proving particularly effective on more than one occasion. Even so, Birkbeck were unable to capitalise, with hesitant finishing contributing almost as much as the eccentrically effective work of the Goodenough goalkeeper.

Still, despite foiling a number of Birkbeck attacks, any goalkeeper who has to be told by his own team to use his hands is probably worth testing out from distance. Birkbeck certainly tried, with Dei-Boateng shooting from a particularly improbable range and Ackah also coming close from the edge of the area, but unfortunately both efforts missed the target.

However close or far away Birkbeck shot from, though, the ball wasn’t hitting the back of the net, a fact which was quickly becoming apparent to an increasingly irritable Schmidt, who promptly stormed forward from central defence to set up Jennings for Birkbeck’s winner.

Even after that, there were chances for Birkbeck to make it more comfortable, as well as a late scare at the other end when a Goodenough shot was fumbled onto the post by the Birkbeck keeper, but ultimately 2-1 was the way it stayed. All the team can take credit for a good performance and a well-deserved victory, especially coming after the previous week’s humiliation.

Next up: the first of many matches against an ITV team. Then: Christmas.

Birkbeck 0 - 6 MediaCom

2009-11-28T19:26:00.000Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 6 MediaCom
Thursday 12 November 2009, 1-2pm

Unless you’re Roy Keane, results like this are best glossed over in brief rather than scrutinised at length: frankly, the score tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

Late withdrawals meant that Birkbeck started the game with seven men, and to be fair they matched MediaCom for much of the first half, with only a solitary tap-in separating the sides until they doubled the lead just prior to half time, when a rather innocuous long-range shot somehow found its way past Throup in the Birkbeck goal.

It was a difficult day for the Birkbeck goalkeeper, who spent half his time picking the ball out of the net and the other half blundering around his area in an attempt to regain control of half-stopped shots and crosses.

Despite some misguided optimism at half-time, it soon became clear a thrashing was on the cards once goal number three nestled into the back of the net and Birkbeck’s eighth man hobbled from the pitch to once again restore MediaCom’s numerical advantage.

By the end Birkbeck were thankful to keep it to six, and as MediaCom queued up to take potshots at goal, it seemed as if they had more than one additional man on the pitch.

While at first this was put down to the fact that Birkbeck’s opposition had opted not to employ a ‘specialist’ keeper (irritatingly, not one of the gloveless fiends had any difficulty in keeping the ball out) and, later, to post-traumatic stress disorder caused by MediaCom dominance, by post-match analysis time, manager Parrott was convinced: “Well, we never counted them, did we?”

Perhaps, though, it’s best that we didn’t.

Birkbeck 0 – 0 BM

2009-10-19T08:54:00.002+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 0 BM
Wednesday 14 October 2009, 1-2pm

A battling performance from an under-strength side was enough to secure a point for Birkbeck here. After a casual check of the squad’s availability on the eve of the match revealed only six confirmations, there were fears of a repeat of last year’s UK Sport debacle, but thankfully Dei-Boateng and Walters were declared fit to play following rigorous fitness tests conducted by telephone and e-mail, with newcomer James Vallerine providing cover as substitute.

Inevitably, Birkbeck were relying on their injured stars to provide the backbone of their side. With Schmidt unavailable and previous stand-in Kirkland also absent, Walters was called into an unfamiliar role in the centre of defence, while Dei-Boateng was given captaincy duties and issued with Parrott’s usual instructions to “drive the midfield”.

Despite the re-jigged line-up, Birkbeck did well in the first half, keeping their opponents largely at bay while fashioning some reasonable chances of their own. After some good work down the right, Jennings came closest to opening the scoring, delivering a crisply-struck shot which thudded off the inside of the post and back into play.

Chastened, BM began to come into the match as the half wore on, creating a handful of decent opportunities, the best of which came following a goalmouth scramble created by a fumble from Throup which saw a BM attacker smash the ball against the woodwork with the goal at his mercy.

The second half was more of a struggle for Birkbeck, and with Dei-Boateng withdrawn to give some rest to an injured knee, BM came to dominate in midfield. Still, despite some hairy moments, the breakthrough never came, with a combination of desperate defending, hesitant finishing and the odd slice of luck keeping the match goalless.

While their own goal threat was diminished, Birkbeck deserve credit for battling hard until the end. All of the team played their part, but special mention should go to Walters for leading the defence with aplomb and Billy Scott, who - as ever - worked hard up front for little reward.

Man of the match, though, was Dei-Boateng, who re-emerged towards the end of the game to wrest control of proceedings from an increasingly influential BM midfielder – who, despite suffering a couple of meaty challenges, presented himself at Birkbeck’s dressing room door to offer some specific praise for his opponent, an unprecedented move in the history of Birkbeck’s participation in the league (and a marked contrast to the days of Magnoff requiring a police escort from the ground).

While a 0-0 draw may be considered a slightly disappointing result against a side Birkbeck defeated comfortably last time around, BM were a stronger proposition this year, and given Birkbeck’s relatively weakened line-up, a point probably represented the best they could have hoped for from this match.

Three games in and no sign of ITV – next up, MediaCom on 12 November.

Birkbeck 6 – 0 Warner

2009-10-04T09:32:00.001+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 6 – 0 Warner
Thursday 1 October 2009, 1-2pm

Points on the board were the order of the day here, and in the end that goal was comfortably achieved, although it certainly says something for the amount of homework Birkbeck do on their opponents that no-one realised that they were up against a Warner team which had spent the bulk of last season rooted to the foot of the table until after the thrashing had been delivered, at which point it did at least make some sense.

Still, given Birkbeck’s history of complacency in such fixtures, it was probably just as well that no-one was predicting a thrashing prior to the start. In fact, the opening day defeat seemed to act as a spur to the squad, with numbers swelling to the maximum of 12 and presenting several selection dilemmas for the Birkbeck manager.

On the day of the match, however, a number of last-minute withdrawals quickly altered the nature of Birkbeck’s pre-match tactical headache, with Parrott cheerfully announcing to the handful of players present in the dressing room that they may as well ignore everything he’d written on the tactics board as it was all now redundant.

Ignoring tactical advice is what Birkbeck FC does best, however, and although their opponents were perhaps better than the scoreline suggests, the Birkbeck goalkeeper remained largely unemployed for the duration of the match.

The first half was a cagey affair, though, notable for only a couple of squandered chances and a first goal that was so memorable I can’t remember who scored it. I do remember it was one hell of a strike, though. Or maybe it wasn’t.

Whatever, it was definitely a goal for Birkbeck, who took a 1-0 lead into the second half. By the end of the match, five equally brilliant others had been added, as Birkbeck produced some decent football and clinical finishing to condemn their tiring opponents to a heavy defeat.

Special mention goes to Billy Scott, who helped himself to a hat-trick, but in truth all of the Birkbeck team deserve some credit, not least for running themselves into the ground due to a shortage of subs, although Scott Miller’s second-half appearance as an emergency sub was much appreciated.

The other goalscorers were Chris Hodgins (x 2) and Rich Tacon. Not appearing on the scoresheet this week was returning skipper Schmidt, although he clearly fancied doing so, at one stage running 70 yards from defence in a desperate (but futile) attempt to take a free-kick.

Ho, what larks! And 6-0 as well. If Birkbeck can win all of their games 6-0 from now on, they’ll probably win the league. I predict that it can and will happen.

Birkbeck 1 – 2 Dynamo

2009-10-04T09:30:00.001+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 – 2 Dynamo
Wednesday 16 September 2009, 1-2pm

The season started with defeat for Birkbeck, who were unable to match an impressively-drilled Dynamo side despite a spirited team performance.

Manager Parrott was able to call on a reasonably strong squad, with John Dei-Boateng returned to full fitness and last season’s player of the year Rob Kirkland selflessly giving up a couple of hours of his day off to fill in for the absent Schmidt in the centre of defence.

Dynamo had the bulk of possession in the first half, but although Birkbeck were stretched at times, a combination of good fortune and last-ditch defending ensured that the game remained scoreless. A visibly agitated Parrott was clearly concerned about the Dynamo threat, though, and during one particularly dangerous goalmouth scramble was heard to advise O’Shaughnessy to “just stand in the goal”.

To his credit, the Birkbeck right-back did no such thing, having in all likelihood chosen to ignore the bulk of the advice from his manager following some baffling pre-match instructions not to perform impressions of the Jamaican world champion sprinter Usain Bolt during the game. (Having given it some considerable thought, we still don’t really know his true intentions in issuing this command, although it should go without saying that performing a creditable impersonation of an athlete will forever remain beyond the majority of the Birkbeck squad).

After soaking up plenty of pressure, the mighty blues (or blues-with-yellow-vests-over-the-top, as it was on this occasion) actually took a one-goal lead into the second half, courtesy of a fine strike by Dei-Boateng. However, Dynamo eventually brought themselves level mid-way through the second period, capitalising after Birkbeck’s goalkeeper and defenders made a bit of a hash of a goal kick.

Despite some admirable defending, particularly from man-of-the-match Kirkland in his swansong performance (before leaving to join LSE for an ‘undisclosed fee’), Birkbeck soon conceded a second, a rasping drive that found the net via Jennings’s leg, Throup’s face, and the post.

If the goal itself was a little fortunate, no-one could really say that Dynamo weren’t good value for their win, and although Birkbeck did produce a late rally, their opponents also squandered a number of opportunities to extend their lead.

If this had been a real match between professional teams, the manager and selected players would have had to speak to the media to offer their thoughts on their performance. However, it wasn’t, and they didn’t, so instead we’ll pick out a generic footballing cliché and pretend that our manager actually said this to someone from Sky Sports, when asked to sum up the match. Here goes...

Manager Parrott was not too despondent after the match, declaring himself “disappointed with the result, but not with the performance”.

[Brilliant! – A reader]

2008/9 - Season Summary

2009-10-04T09:24:00.007+01:00

Results

* 2 June 2009: Birkbeck 2 - 1 Warner1
* 13 May 2009: Birkbeck 1 - 3 Five
* 5 May 2009: Birkbeck 0 - 4 ITV1
* 30 Apr 2009: Birkbeck 1 - 1 Universal
* 21 Apr 2009: Birkbeck 2 - 1 BM
* 25 Mar 2009: Birkbeck 0 - 5 ITV2
* 5 Mar 2009: Birkbeck 3 - 0 ITV4
* 24 Feb 2009: Birkbeck 2 - 2 ITV3
* 17 Dec 2008: Birkbeck 1 – 2 Dynamo
* 3 Nov 2008: Birkbeck 0 - 3 Goodenough
* 15 Oct 2008: Birkbeck 0 - 5 UK Sport
* 30 Sept 2008: Birkbeck 1 - 0 GOSH
* 18 Sept 2008: Birkbeck 3 – 1 Carat

Goal Scorers

* B-is-for-Billy Scott: 3
* Dumer Jnr: 3
* Dei-Boateng: 2
* Kirkland: 2
* Ackah: 1
* Bell: 1
* Hodgins: 1
* Jennings: 1
* Schmidt: 1
* Walters: 1

End of Season Awards

Golden Boot: Billy Scott
Player of the Season: Rob Kirkland
Goal of the Season: Schmidt vs. BM, 21/04/09
Dirtiest Player: Andreas Schmidt/Daniel Magnoff

Birkbeck 2 – 1 Warner1

2009-06-15T09:46:00.000+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 2 – 1 Warner1
Tuesday 2 June, 12-1pm

At the end of a long and hard season, it’s fair to say that Birkbeck were looking forward to this match, with their opponents a team rooted to the bottom of the table with barely a point to their name. After enduring some harrowing results themselves over the previous twelve games, this match looked like their opportunity to secure safety in the division with a morale-boosting win, improving the damage to their goal difference, and revelling in a carnival atmosphere and self-indulgent end-of-season antics - back-heels, nut-megs and letting the goalkeeper go up front.

Clearly, the team had learned nothing from previous seasons, where similar levels of complacency going into the final match had been punished with embarrassing defeats. To recap: two years ago, with Birkbeck requiring one point to secure the second-division title, manager Parrott brought champagne into the dressing room and played Queen’s We Are The Champions at maximum volume before the match – which they lost. And last season, with their promotion push in the balance, Birkbeck were a comfortable second-best to a MediaCom side lurking far below them in the table (apparently they’d hired some new staff who happened to be young and very good at football).

While Birkbeck certainly had the better of the first half, the expected cakewalk was far from forthcoming, and Warner certainly looked like a better side than their position in the table suggested. With the midday sun once again beating down on ageing Birkbeck foreheads, their football was fairly low-tempo stuff, and though there was plenty of possession and a handful of decent chances for the Blues, a more youthful Warner side showed they had plenty to offer on the counter-attack.

Any clear-cut opportunities, though, were soon thwarted by one of Birkbeck’s two defensive colossi, Magnoff and Schmidt, playing alongside each other in the back three for the first (and possibly last) time. Despite some tension over who would be shunted to right-back (the skipper got his way) their relationship was largely cordial during the first half, bar the odd quizzical look and occasional enquiry about the other’s lack of positional sense. And, up at the other end of the pitch, Birkbeck ensured they could take a lead into the half-time break when Kirkland produced a cracking finish to round off a decent piece of attacking play.

Despite the lead, the previously mentioned carnival atmosphere appeared unlikely to materialise, and far from taking the chance to discuss ‘comedy’ substitutions, the half-time team talk was reserved for more sober analysis in expectation of a tough second period.

And so it was to prove, with Warner starting the second half the sharper and more focused team. Birkbeck, meanwhile, were all over the place, with some sluggish movement and sloppy passing often handing the initiative back to their opponents. Reasoning that tired legs were a factor, manager Parrott attempted to shuffle the pack, but this seemed only to produce confusion as to who was supposed to be playing where. After one double substitution resulted in an extremely vacant left flank being presented to the opposition, Schmidt conducted a heated inquest into who was supposed to be playing there. As neither answers or movement proved immediately forthcoming (although some eyes did wander accusingly towards Jennings, who was roaming energetically around the middle of pitch) the skipper became increasingly agitated, launching into a battle cry that caused team mates to become concerned for his physical and mental well-being.

Unfortunately, it was to get worse before it was to get better, as Warner soon converted their dominance into an equaliser, before threatening to take the lead themselves. By this point, the uneasy truce between Magnoff and Schmidt had exploded into an ongoing dialogue about their respective merits as footballers and men. However, just as a Batty/Le Saux (or Dyer/Bowyer) style scuffle seemed inevitable, Schmidt was upended by a sneaky Warner challenge that went unpunished, Magnoff flattened the player concerned, and from that point both players’ attentions were mostly focused on the opposition.

Once a level of composure had been retained, Birkbeck came back into it and fashioned a number of chances, but found themselves thwarted at each turn by an unlikely looking goalkeeper who appeared to be dressed for a day out at the beach and displaying a marked reluctance to save the ball with his hands. As the clock ticked past the scheduled finish time, it seemed a disappointing draw would be the best Birkbeck could hope for, until substitute James Bell appeared in the box to bundle home the winner in the dying seconds. There was still time, though, for Warner to go straight up the other end of the pitch and get a final shot at goal, but for once the Birkbeck keeper (who, incidentally, was dressed for a Siberian excursion) managed to get down in time to tip the ball around the post.

And with that, the final whistle blew, confirming Birkbeck’s glorious victory. Credit must go to all of the outfield players who laboured tirelessly under the hot sun to overturn their team’s last-game jinx, and for their efforts throughout the season to secure their Premier League status. Awards and celebrations to follow...

Birkbeck 1 - 3 Five

2009-06-04T12:58:00.003+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 - 3 Five
Wednesday 13 May 2009, 1-2pm

A battling performance from Birkbeck was not enough to prevent a second straight league defeat, this time at the hands of late ‘90s boy band favourites Five.

With star goalkeeper Throup and not-quite-star-but-reasonably-decent-nonetheless midfielder Walters both absent, manager Stephen Parrott was forced to shuffle his pack somewhat. Dave ‘Don’t call me Pat’ Jennings heroically/stupidly volunteered to keep goal, while newcomer Rob Bates was drafted in on the right side of midfield, with Rich Tacon in the centre and Kirkland shunted over to the left. At the back, Taylor, Schmidt and Ackah (combined age of 120) formed a defence that could generously be described as ‘experienced’. Joint top-scorer Billy Scott ploughed a lone (and often lonely) furrow up front.

Birkbeck started the game brightly, with most of the best play coming down the right hand side, as Bates, Tacon and Scott linked up well together. The latter did a particularly fine job of holding the ball up in spite of being repeatedly kicked in the ankles by Five’s rotund centre half, Lumbering Fat Bloke (LFB). Unfortunately, as has too often been the case this season, Birkbeck were unable to turn their neat build-up play into goals.

As the half wore on, Five began to exert greater pressure on the Birkbeck defence, going close on a number of occasions. Fortunately stand-in keeper Jennings was in inspired form, tipping one shot onto the post and saving another at close-range with his legs. At the other end, Birkbeck’s best chance of the half fell to Scott, who showed great close control to escape the clutches of LFB, turn and fire a shot just inches wide.

The second half continued much as the first had ended. Birkbeck legs were beginning to tire and the opposition were now dominating proceedings, with the Blues barely able to get out of their own half. Indeed, forays into the opposition penalty area were becoming so rare that the gentleman keeping goal for Five spent a good portion of the second half simply sitting down, a bored expression on his face. The cheeky bastard.

Five eventually broke the deadlock after a sustained period of pressure, although there was more than a touch of good fortune about the goal. A crunching tackle from Schmidt on the edge of the area saw the ball ricochet straight to the feet of the Five attacker, Some Bloke, who finished from close range.

Sensing the need for some fresh legs, manager Parrott threw James Bell into the mix, bringing some much-needed hair to the left side of midfield. Bell promptly launched an outrageous attempt on goal from just inside his own half, but it was more Shabby Alonso than Xabi Alonso (you can thank Lawro for that one) as the ball trickled harmlessly into the arms of the still-seated keeper.

As if to punish Birkbeck for their insolence, Five immediately scored a second. A quick pass down the left was deftly seized upon by Some Bloke, who promptly raced through on goal and slid the ball past Jennings from the edge of the area. As the recriminations broke out in Birkbeck’s defence and Schmidt and Jennings became engaged in a heated debate about the age-old ‘rush goalie’ rule, the real culprit – a certain bald-headed chap who had failed miserably to track his man – sneaked silently away…

Then, controversy. Birkbeck piled forward and Rich was ‘Tacon’ (see what I did there?) in the box from behind by LFB, but despite loud appeals Five insisted it was not a penalty on the grounds that Birkbeck had already played on. In time-honoured fashion a slanging match ensued, but with Abs and co refusing to back down, Birkbeck sportingly let the matter drop. To add insult to injury, Five promptly broke upfield and Some Bloke, again finding himself in acres of space, calmly squared the ball for Some Other Bloke to score the third. Three nearly became four after Some Other Other Bloke scored shortly afterwards, but this was correctly chalked off after captain Schmidt called shenanigans on a dubious free-kick during the build-up.

As the clock ticked towards full-time, Birkbeck were eventually rewarded for their efforts with a late consolation goal. Scott rode a couple of challenges and slid the ball into the path of Kirkland, who promptly outpaced LFB (admittedly not difficult) and shinned home a frankly crappy finish from all of three yards.

Despite the result, Birkbeck can take a few positives away from the game (I SCORED!), and manager Parrott will be confident of ending the campaign on a high note with the team taking on bottom-of-the-table Warners in the final match of the season. Indeed, with inspirational defender/pantomime villain/habitual bush-lurker Daniel Magnoff set to return to the squad for one final hurrah, anything could happen - but we’ll probably just have to settle for an argument with Schmidt and a dangerously late challenge or two…

(Edit - the game has since taken place, and both of these things happened. Quelle surprise!)

Note - thanks very much to our midfield general for stepping in to do the report for this match. Please direct any fan/hate mail to him directly.

Birkbeck 0 – 4 ITV1

2009-05-10T18:05:00.003+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 - 4 ITV1
Tuesday 5 May 2009, 1-2pm

Defeat here summed up Birkbeck's season - a couple of good results, followed by a dispiriting mauling at the hands of an ITV team. While to the casual observer (and this describes the majority, if not all, of the Birkbeck following, with 'hardcore' fans conspicuous by their absence from the team's fixtures) it may seem like this side is dreadfully inconsistent, producing heroic displays one week and insipid ones the next.

In truth, the standard of the opposition has been pretty variable, and for all of the positive feeling in the Birkbeck camp prior to the start of the match - returning skipper Schmidt confidently declaring, "We've got a great chance today" - their hopes were dashed soon after kick off as ITV1 raced into a two goal lead.

With the ITV team evidencing their superior fitness levels and technical ability, the sun shining brightly (and, er, warmly) in the lunchtime sky, and midfield general Rob Kirkland stretchered off the field with an injury, a Birkbeck comeback seemed increasingly unlikely. As the half wore on, however, they did manage to come into the game more, while also avoiding any further damage at the other end.

Still, to get back into the match, some tactical ingenuity was required, and at half-time manager Parrott revealed his intention to switch from his patented 'double-diamond' formation in order to push another man into midfield. It was something that had never been tried, not even in training, but clearly it was time to thrown caution to the wind. Fortunately, newcomer Rich Tacon had played in such a formation before and was able to explain what was required.

The intricacies of the switch can't, for obvious reasons, be reproduced in full here, but it essentially meant Birkbeck entered the second half with more attacking intentions. And, to the credit of the team and coaching staff, it seemed to work, with Birkbeck producing their best spell of the game.

Unfortunately, though, it was ITV1 who scored next, effectively ending the match as a contest. It was a soft goal to concede, with the scorer muscling himself past a tiring defence to poke the ball home as the keeper remained rooted to the spot, having earlier incapacitated himself launching into an ill-advised (and ultimately fruitless) dive.

During a recent victory under sunny skies, the pace of the match slowed as the sun's effects took a toll on both teams. Here, though, while Birkbeck toiled in the heat, ITV1 remained relentlessly committed to attacking, pouring forward at every opportunity. Further goals seemed inevitable, although wayward finishing and clumsily-attempted flicks - as well as some spirited defending - kept the scoreline respectable while Birkbeck searched for a goal of their own.

Still (assuming you read the result at the very top of this piece, rather than deliberately avoiding it in order to experience the unfolding drama of the match, as if you were really there) you already know how the story ends, so there seems little point in stringing it out any further. Birkbeck didn't score, ITV1 eventually added another - an upsettingly humiliating effort which saw the keeper tip a shot onto the post only for the rebound to be smashed into the net as he lay prone on the floor - and approximately ten minutes of increasingly unnecessary extra time were played.

Despite the heavy defeat, Birkbeck displayed plenty of skill and endeavour, and credit to all who played their part. Their next opponents, Five (previously known as 'Channel Five') are expected to be a tricky proposition - scouting reports indicate a tough, physical team (you'd expect nothing less from a team able to call upon the talents of Seagal, Van Damme and Kaplinsky) challenging for the title. I'd say it's time for the Rocky soundtrack to make a return to the dressing room...

Birkbeck 1 - 1 Universal

2009-05-05T15:37:00.001+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 – 1 Universal
Thursday 30 April 2009, 12-1pm

Contrary to what the form book and ill-informed media reports (ie this blog) suggested, this match was a tense, low-scoring draw, representing a refreshing change from the usual options of either morale-crippling defeat or beautiful, glorious victory. In the end, a draw was a creditable result for Birkbeck, who produced a great team performance to ward off some spirited opposition with a reshuffled line-up.

In the absence of several regulars, manager Parrott fielded three new players, with Eades, Duffin and Tacon all coming in for their first game of the season. A surfeit of midfielders dictated a slight reorganisation, and in the absence of regular defensive stalwarts Ackah and ‘El Capitano’ Schmidt, Kirkland and Walters gamely stepped in to take their place.

Unfortunately, any hopes of a repeat of last-week’s low-octane clash were soon dashed as the game began at a breakneck pace. The Universal team certainly looked handy (relatively youthful, no beer bellies) but, a couple of half-chances aside, they created little of note (that I can remember clearly). Birkbeck, on the other hand, fought hard to match their opponents’ work rate and played some decent football of their own.

And it was the mighty blues who scored first through a lightning-quick counter attack, which started with the Birkbeck goalkeeper gratefully grabbing a fumbled shot and ended in the Universal net thanks to a killer through ball from Walters and a clinical finish from Billy Scott. The goal brought him level with wantaway (or, more accurately, ‘already-gone-away’) striker Dumer Jr, whose departure after a debut hat-trick has nevertheless failed to prevent him lingering (somewhat embarrassingly) at the summit of the Birkbeck scoring charts for the duration of the season. And he’s still there, actually, thanks to alphabetical order – sorry, it’s the rules.

After an encouraging first-half performance, the wheels seemed to fall off for Birkbeck in the second period, with extended periods of possession proving elusive and potentially fatal gaffes being made all over the pitch. The equaliser, when it came, was actually relatively fortuitous, with keeper Throup responding relatively promptly to the danger presented by the onrushing attacker, but after making a save of sorts the ball rebounded kindly for Universal, and not even a desperate last-ditch attempt at a clearance from Tacon could prevent the goal.

Perhaps fearing a repeat of the 5-0 beasting at the hands of ITV2, Birkbeck regained their composure and started to defend stoically in the face of increasing Universal pressure. Kirkland, in particular, produced an outstanding performance in central defence, but in truth there were stellar performances all over the pitch.

As Universal tired, Birkbeck had a couple of last-ditch opportunities to win it, but in truth a winning goal would have been harsh on their opponents, and when the final whistle eventually came, there was general agreement that the right result had been reached. Credit to the entire Birkbeck squad, who produced a solid team performance to secure the most heroic of draws, one which could have been bettered only if someone had to have a head wound bandaged and finish the game with blood all over their shirt. But it’s probably best that didn’t happen.

There should be a word, too, for Birkbeck’s opponents, and if there was an end-of-season award for ‘most sporting opponent’ (there isn’t) then Universal would certainly have been in contention.
Next up for Birkbeck, it’s ITV1, the best of all the ITV channels. Although, if their coverage is anything to go by, they don’t seem to know too much about football.

(Update – no, totally wrong, we got thrashed. They seem to know plenty actually, more even than Andy Townsend or Joe Cole). Report to follow...

Birkbeck 2 – 1 BM

2009-04-29T14:25:00.001+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 2 – 1 BM
Tuesday 21 April 2009, 12-1pm

They say there are no easy games in the Premier League, but if “they” were describing the top division in the Coram’s eight-a-side championship – as opposed to the actual, professional, Premier League – a swift retraction of that statement would have been due upon witnessing this match. I say that with no disrespect to Birkbeck’s opponents (well, okay, a little disrespect, perhaps) – but if you could choose a game to follow a dispiriting 5-0 mauling, it would be this one.

After facing up against a number of well-drilled and youthful sides it was a relief to encounter one featuring some receding hairlines and carrying a little lager-weight. Minutes after kick off, the opposing centre forward took a fairly innocent-looking tumble and took a good five minutes to get to his feet; the BM left-winger, on the other hand, was wearing tracksuit bottoms. Even if victory wasn’t assured, the early signs were promising.

Still, despite plenty of endeavour, it wasn’t quite happening for Birkbeck in the first half. There were decent opportunities for Hodgins and Walters, along with plenty of possession, but it took a dead-ball situation towards the end of the first half to break the deadlock. A number of factors associated with the rules of this version of the game, including the extremely small goals and the fact that the defending team can stand roughly 30 centimetres away from the ball, normally preclude any excitement from being generated by the award of a free kick, regardless of its proximity to the penalty area. And while there may well have been the odd goal scored at some stage in the recent past (although I can’t remember any) as a result of a free kick situation, there certainly hasn’t been anything that might easily identify anyone as a ‘dead-ball specialist’ on the Birkbeck side.

That is, until now. Skipper Schmidt opened the scoring with a deftly-taken free kick which will live long enough in the memory to allow him a further 250 unsuccessful attempts without censure from the media because “we all know what he can do from this range”. Will the one step and strike method employed so successfully here soon be replaced by the meticulous placing and re-placing of the ball, checking for wind speed and direction, and a 20 yard run-up reminiscent of Roberto Carlos? I wouldn’t bet against it.

At half-time, the general consensus was that Birkbeck should have done rather better than a one goal lead, and the cordiality of the inter-half chat was in marked contrast to the bollocking that the BM captain was issuing to his players at the other end of the pitch. No doubt things would have been slightly different had player-coach Taylor been available for the match, and the assertion that “we should be thrashing this lot” would surely have been ringing in Birkbeck ears as they re-emerged for the second half.

As it was, the arm-around-the-shoulder approach (not literally) of manager Parrott was employed on this occasion, but it nevertheless seemed to do the trick, as Birkbeck continued to dominate. Eventually, a second goal from Walters seemed to have made the game safe but it seemed to revitalise the BM side, whose angry captain decided to refrain from barking orders from the centre of defence and get involved in the game himself. After one particularly surging run, he inexplicably brought his team back into the game with a long-range effort that curled past the half-hearted dive of the ‘keeper and into the back of the net.

Birkbeck continued to create chances to put the result beyond doubt, the best of which saw substitute James Bell inches away from sliding the ball into the net, but BM’s confidence was growing, and even the tracksuit-wearing winger got into the act with some neat control and a surprising turn of pace. Unfortunately, his shooting let him down at the crucial moment, on one occasion even managing to miss the ball entirely, and despite BM pressure they created little in the way of clear-cut chances.

As the game drew to a close, the pace of the action slowed to a crawl, and rather than striving for another goal both teams seemed to be waiting for the final whistle. For Birkbeck, this was obviously a cunning tactical ploy rather than tired legs struggling in the surprisingly sunny weather, and by the end they were stroking the ball about at walking pace. It certainly got the job done, although to watch it was, in Schmidt’s words, “even worse than the Bundesliga.”

But a win is a win, and Birkbeck were good value for it. Stay tuned for next week’s report, which from looking at the form book is likely to be a massive thrashing. Just joking, fellas – let’s win this! Come on Birkbeck (etc).

Birkbeck 0 – 5 ITV2

2009-04-01T09:45:00.000+01:00

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 5 ITV2
Thursday 25 March 2009, 1-2pm

Although it may sound ridiculous to say so, Birkbeck played quite well here, and the opposition even acknowledged as much while confirming the result with the league office. While it is quite easy to be gracious when you’ve come out 5-0 winners, the chap from ITV2 nevertheless spoke (or wrote) the truth, with the somewhat flattering scoreline mainly down to five minutes of madness (well, okay, slightly sloppy play) from Birkbeck early in the second half.

As the players arrived at the ground there was some doubt as to whether the match would take place at all, with the Coram fixture board making no mention of the Birkbeck-ITV2 match and allocating both pitches to other teams. However, while skipper Schmidt cursed the poor administrative skills of those in charge, manager Parrott took matters into his own hands by entering the office to protest. Minutes later the pitch attendant emerged to remove one of the scheduled games and reinstate Birkbeck without so much as another word.

Despite concerns that the teams recently wiped off the whiteboard might turn up demanding a match (or a fight) at any stage, Birkbeck kicked off and began the first-half well, with coach Mark Taylor even going so far as to describe one passing move as “lovely football”. They might even have taken the lead on more than one occasion, and although a Birkbeck attacker missed a gilt-edged chance I was too busy mentally congratulating myself on the phrase “gilt-edged chance” and resolving to make sure I used it in the match report, that I completely omitted to remember the player involved. Whoever it was – sorry. Unless, of course, you’re embarrassed about missing the chance, in which case, I’ve really done you a favour. In a separate, unrelated point, I really think I’m wasted at Birkbeck and should write match reports, of real life football matches, for a living. I’m definitely good enough and all that.

ITV2 created little of note but when they finally did threaten they took the lead, with a fairly dribbly shot from distance that the goalkeeper might have saved (especially if he’d bothered to dive). Still, rather than heralding a shift in the pattern of play, the goal only galvanized Birkbeck, who again went close when Hodgins shot across the keeper, only for the ball to drift agonizingly wide.

In the second half, though, the wheels fell off. First, an ITV2 shot from approximately 10 miles away somehow found its way into the net, although there was time for some brief discussion as to whether the ball had gone in or hit the post, with the ITV2 bench gesticulating frantically at the Birkbeck keeper lying face down on the pitch - as if that represented significant evidence for their case. Frankly, if you’re going to dive around on a hard pitch in your lunch hour, then you may as well enjoy what small comforts there are – it’s not like we’re playing in the World Cup.

Anyway, a goal it was, although you have to wonder whether ITV2 would have argued so much had they known what was to follow. A second long-range effort soon followed, and as tempers became frayed Birkbeck started to lose their cool. In their anxiety to get forward and pull a goal back, they became increasingly stretched in defence, and ITV2 quickly added a fourth and a fifth with relative ease.

Exhausted and demoralised as Birkbeck were, a glance at the clock revealed that fifteen minutes of the match, inexplicably, remained. To their credit, the team regained their composure and fought hard for the rest of the game. With the team’s intended ‘double-diamond’ formation but a distant memory, players swapped places with gay abandon, and by the end, one-time golden-boot winner Hodgins was at right back while O’Shaughnessy was pulling the strings in central midfield. All of the players gave their all, and up front substitute Billy Scott worked tirelessly to pursue loose balls and lost causes, while midfield stalwarts Kirkland and Walters, in particular, ran themselves into the ground.

Unfortunately, though there were chances for Birkbeck, a consolation eluded them, and even captain Schmidt’s renegade runs into the opposition half failed to produce a goal. At the other end, ITV2 continued to create opportunities, at times aided by some comically bad distribution from Birkbeck goal kicks, but fortunately further humiliation was not forthcoming, with the opposition seemingly preoccupied with unnecessary flicks and backheels.

As the clock clicked towards five past two, all involved seemed to be keen for it to be over, with one ITV2 player (not a substitute, I might add) electing to head for the showers before the final whistle. Still, despite the heavy defeat, the performance was an encouraging one, and with a number of weeks to regroup before the next match, Birkbeck can still be hopeful of securing lower mid-table respectability.

Birkbeck 3 - 0 ITV4

2009-03-13T09:59:00.003Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 3 - 0 ITV4
Thursday 5 March 2009, 1-2pm

A great team performance enabled Birkbeck to secure a deserved victory here, their first win since September. After seeing late goals deny them results in the previous two matches, the emphatic nature of this win was all the more satisfying, and in truth Birkbeck created enough chances to have put six or seven past a below-par ITV4 team.

By the end of the match the fans were chanting manager Stephen Parrott’s name, but he had been forced to start the game with a slightly makeshift back line, with Dave Jennings again starting at right back and player-coach Mark Taylor filling in for William Ackah on the left.

Despite one or two anxious moments, however, the defence performed admirably, and ITV4 were restricted to a handful of half-chances, the best of which saw a deflected shot somehow kept out of the net (and by this I mean “I don’t actually know what happened” rather than “this was an unbelievable piece of goalkeeping”) by the Birkbeck keeper at the near post.

At the other end of the pitch, though, Birkbeck were creating chances a-plenty, with their slick passing game proving too much for the ITV4 defence to handle. Up front, lone striker Chris Hodgins caused plenty of problems, but unfortunately was unable to find the back of the net when chances came his way, and in spite of having the better of the first half, Birkbeck had nothing to show for it at half-time.

With the last positive result but a distant memory for the Birkbeck squad, there was a suspicion that the team would be punished for their profligacy. However, such worries were soon eased early in the second half when substitute Billy Scott emphatically slammed home the opening goal with his first touch of the game. Frankly, it was no more than Birkbeck deserved, but although ITV4 rarely threatened, the team was anxious to get a second goal and dispel any fears of a flukey equaliser robbing them of victory once again.

It seemed only a matter of time as the Birkbeck midfield of Walters, Dei-Boateng and Kirkland effortlessly ran rings around their ITV counterparts, but another goal was to prove elusive. Eventually, though, it was left to the increasingly-influential Dei-Boateng to saunter through the ITV4 defence and secure the two-goal lead with a classy finish, dinking the ball over the onrushing goalkeeper’s rash dive to prompt wild celebrations from the Birkbeck team.

While such jubilation was certainly justified, it nevertheless prompted recent memories of easily-surrendered leads to return, most prominently to the mind of the Birkbeck skipper, who immediately implored his troops to focus on the rest of the game. Fortunately, an ITV4 comeback never appeared likely, although there were one or two hairy moments, and an increasingly tetchy Schmidt was fortunate to escape censure after flattening an ITV4 attacker with a juicy challenge from behind.

However, despite some occasionally desperate defending, Birkbeck continued to impress in attack, and as gaps opened up in the ITV4 defence a third goal seemed inevitable. By the time it arrived, though, courtesy of another Billy Scott finish, Birkbeck had seen so many other chances go begging that skipper Schmidt refused to accept that one had finally been taken, launching himself into a full-blooded rant about his colleagues’ wastefulness that was only curtailed once the congratulations had ceased and the ball placed back in the centre-circle for kick-off.

After a considerable wait, then, Birkbeck finally had another victory to savour, and celebrated in the time-honoured tradition of jaffa cake consumption accompanied by a random selection of background music emanating from the team’s CD player, now restored to full health. Can the same be said for Birkbeck’s season? The signs are certainly encouraging.

Birkbeck 2 - 2 ITV3

2009-03-09T10:44:00.006Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 2 - 2 ITV3
Tuesday 24 February 2009, 1-2pm

After a long Christmas break was further extended by the postponement of the first fixture of the new year, Birkbeck were beginning to wonder when they would ever get back out onto the pitch in 2009. Certainly, it was the focus of frenzied discussion in the College’s offices and corridors throughout January and February, and as hordes of season-ticket holders gathered outside 26 Russell Square demanding an explanation and threatening to riot, manager Stephen Parrott attempted to placate them with a hastily-arranged press conference, at which he promised exciting new signings, improved performances and a guaranteed victory in the next match.

However, with the transfer window closed and all transfer activity suspended until the completion of the strategic review, it was a squad of largely-familiar faces that finally took to the field for this match. Victory, too, was ultimately denied them, but this was nevertheless a performance of substance from Birkbeck, bringing to an end an embarrassing sequence of three straight defeats.

The traditional team-talk was missing the usual strains of the Rocky soundtrack, but mild excitement was provided by the all-too-rare appearance of the tactics board. What’s more, it even had some a formation written upon it, with the various Birkbeck names arranged in a shape suspiciously reminiscent of a Christmas tree. However, the intermittent whirring of the changing room hand-drier, activated by manager Parrott’s enthusiastic hand gestures, hindered the chances of any great tactical exposition, and with extensive viewing of the late-night repeats of Taggart proving a futile exercise in term’s of analysing the opposition strategy, there was little to say except to find a volunteer for the right-back birth, vacated by Scott Miller’s last-minute withdrawal.

With the ever-keen Jennings installed in his place, the teams took to the field. While certainly not lacking in enthusiasm, there was a hint of rustiness about the Birkbeck first-half performance that was characterised by the breakdown of promising moves in the opposition’s final third. The ITV3 team, meanwhile, in contrast to the ageing TV detectives that keep them in a job, were fairly sprightly, although they created little of substance. As with most other teams in the league, they boasted the inevitable centre-forward with coloured boots, but he was largely kept under wraps by the Birkbeck defence and barely got a kick all game.

Further up the pitch, despite the efforts of an industrious Birkbeck midfield trio and the tenacity of Chris Hodgins up front, chances were scarce. Then, suddenly, Birkbeck scored a cracker of a goal, as right-back Jennings appeared from out of nowhere to burst into the box and deliver a polished finish with the outside of his right boot (less-charitably described by team-mates a “toe-poke”). Sensing the importance of a goal scored ‘just before half time’, manager/whistle-blower Parrott immediately ensured that it was the last kick of the half and seized the opportunity to call his team in for some words of wisdom.

With a memorably rousing speech still ringing in their ears (although I can’t remember any specific phrases - or words) Birkbeck began the second half brightly, but as the match began to open up ITV3 created some chances of their own, and after fluffing some fairly decent opportunities, they finally put one away with a neat finish from a cutback. At 1-1 the match was delicately poised, and while Birkbeck kept the ball well, had plenty of possession and were happy to bide their time in creating chances, ITV3 preferred to hit back on the counter attack.

The second half was represented in microcosmic form during the two-minute period of play that saw Birkbeck take the lead and have it swiftly snatched away from them. First, John Dei-Boateng forced home Birkbeck’s second goal, one that was the result of build-up play so patient it could almost have defined the phrased ‘hard-earned’, prompting jubilant celebrations from the boys in blue. However, despite captain Schmidt urging the team to retain their concentration, he was almost immediately disappointed when, from the kick-off, an ITV3 attacker waltzed through the Birkbeck half as if he was John Barnes in Rio de Janiero (which he patently wasn’t) before crossing the ball for a team-mate to knock home an easy finish.

If any of the team were in some doubt as to the level of his disappointment, the Birkbeck skipper was quick to confirm his unhappiness to all within a one-mile radius of the pitch, including the queue of 8-year old schoolchildren patiently waiting to use it next. Despite this, however, Birkbeck kept their heads, mindful perhaps of the last match which had seen them slip to defeat in the very last minute. Although there was still time for a couple of chances to go begging, the match had been evenly enough matched for both teams to be satisfied with a point each.

Still, the performance bodes well for the rest of the season, with a seemingly interminable number of ITV foes still to be overcome. Next up: ITV4 - Thursday 5 March.

Birkbeck 1 – 2 Dynamo

2009-01-14T14:38:00.003Z

Match Report
Birkbeck 1 – 2 Dynamo
Wed 17 December 2008, 1-2pm

After a couple of heavy defeats there was a sense that Birkbeck had to get a result here to get their season back on track. While this ultimately eluded them, this was a much-improved performance which was worthy of a draw at least, and there were times when all three points appeared a distinct possibility.

The pre-match mood in the Birkbeck camp was unusually sombre, perhaps reflecting a calm focus on the match ahead. Or perhaps everyone was just cold and tired. Even manager Parrott’s team talk was uncharacteristically brief: “Anyone need some words of inspiration, or shall we just get out there?”

With the Rocky soundtrack ringing in their ears, Birkbeck made the perfect start, scoring an early goal after a lightning-quick passing move was finished off in style by Chris Hodgins. Blink and you’d miss it – and it certainly took Dynamo by surprise, as well as some of the less attentive members of the Birkbeck side.

While never threatening to dominate the game, Birkbeck’s lead was comfortable, and alarms for the defence were relatively few and far between until skipper Schmidt flattened a Dynamo attacker in the area, prompting the usual playground debate about how the match was to proceed. While Schmidt’s denials of any involvement were convincing enough to prompt a CSI-style investigation of the incident, it soon became apparent that in this context the identity of the perpetrator was less important than the fact that a felony had definitely taken place.

And so, with offers of a free kick on the edge of the area unsurprisingly refused, Dynamo had their penalty. Unfortunately for them, though, it was a Gareth Southgate sort of an effort, with keeper Throup hardly able to believe his luck as the ball rolled towards his casually outstretched hand.

Sadly, such luck was not to last, and after creating little in the way of goalscoring chances, Dynamo struck just before half time with a long-range shot which took a wicked deflection of William Ackah, diverting it away from the goalkeeper’s awaiting arms and into the top corner of the net.

In the second half, sometime Birkbeck defender and educator of the nation’s youth Magnoff appeared on the touchline to cheer on the team’s cause. Having emerged suspiciously from the adjacent undergrowth during the first half to shout obscenities at the Birkbeck skipper - who had taken his place in central defence - he nevertheless appeared reluctant to make a guest appearance on the pitch, instead opting to make use of his unusually smart appearance to perform a creditable impression of a continental coach, pacing the technical area and gesticulating wildly at any contentious incidents.

On the pitch Birkbeck started a little shakily but eventually began to come into the game and threatened to re-take the lead on numerous occasions (NB specific details lost following hearty Christmas celebrations). Just as it seemed victory was inevitable, however, it was Dynamo snatched who snatched a goal with virtually the last kick of the game. A swift counter attack saw Birkbeck caught short at the back, with the Dynamo attacker rounding Schmidt and evading Throup’s clown-like advances to slip the ball into the back of the next for the winner.

It was a sickener alright, but Birkbeck can take heart from a good team performance at least. At the risk of echoing the words of many a soon-to-be-fired manager in the middle of a season that eventually sees their team relegated, if Birkbeck play like that for the rest of the season, they should be okay.

Birkbeck 0 – 3 Goodenough

2008-11-05T10:30:00.003Z

Match Report:
Birkbeck 0 – 3 Goodenough
Monday 3 November, 1-2pm

The wheels seem to be falling off for Birkbeck as they slid to a second consecutive defeat at the hands of a younger, fitter and technically superior side. Following a rallying cry from club captain Andreas Schmidt via e-mail, Birkbeck were this time able to call on a full squad of 12, including the returning defensive stalwart/pantomime villain Daniel Magnoff, but not Schmidt himself, out of the country pursuing business interests in an attempt to “grow the Birkbeck FC brand”.
On the strength of this performance, a future vision of an army of young Japanese fans in Birkbeck blue seems unlikely, and though numbers were not a problem this time around (thankfully preventing a third consecutive use of the phrase “bare-bones” in the match report), most of other qualities normally integral to victory in an eight-a-side football match were sadly absent from this Birkbeck display.

Things got off to a rocky start before the match had even started when manager Stephen Parrott announced in the dressing room that he had written out his suggested formation on the tactics board. “I think they’ve gone out already,” said the voice of a latecomer as the manager proudly hoisted the board to a displayable position and began explaining the intricacies of the system he had devised to a largely empty dressing room. And gone out they had.

With Magnoff unavailable until midway through the first half, Birkbeck once again deployed stand-in skipper William Ackah in central defence, with O’Shaughnessy at right-back and new signing Billy Scott filling in on the left. Further upfield, notable absentees included Dumer Jr (missing-presumed-playing for a better team) and Geoff Walters, as well as the talismanic Schmidt, but with the return of John Dei-Boateng, Rob Kirkland and James Bell in midfield and Chris Hodgins up front, Birkbeck’s line-up still looked reasonably strong. Beyond that, player-coach Mark Taylor made a welcome return to the bench, adding some extra steel to instructions issued from the sidelines.

The first half saw few chances for either side. Goodenough always looked like the team most likely to score, but their neat passing and energetic running created little of note, despite the occasional dangerous moment. “Play the percentages!” admonished first-half sub Magnoff, shortly before launching a clearance into orbit. Going forward Birkbeck struggled to put their passes together, with the occasional mazy dribble from Scott and Dei-Boateng the closest they could come to fashioning an attacking move.

At the back, though, Birkbeck looked solid enough for most of the opening exchanges, and despite Goodenough’s superiority there could have been grounds for thinking that they might fall prey to the kind of sneaky 1-0 victory on which much of Birkbeck’s success has been based. All of that changed, though, when Goodenough opened the scoring. Goodenough’s solitary forward, rather optimistically wearing Cristiano Ronaldo’s Manchester United shirt, somehow created himself a shooting opportunity and squeezed a low shot past Throup’s arthritic dive into the corner of the net. Almost Ronaldo-esque, you might say, although on the evidence of the rest of the match, and given his greasy appearance, brightly coloured boots and propensity for lurking offside, Milan Baros would have been a more accurate, and achievable, hero for him to try and emulate.

Though stunned by the goal, Birkbeck made it through the rest of the half unscathed without necessarily offering much themselves. The slippery conditions made controlling the ball difficult, and Goodenough’s energetic closing-down meant that too often Birkbeck were reduced to playing long balls down the flanks rather than retaining possession. After the briefest of half-time team talks, the team re-emerged with a renewed determination to keep the ball and show something in attack.
But as one such attack broke down, Goodenough hit back on the counter, sparking one of the major talking points of the match. An attacking player, breaking from midfield, latched onto a through pass, rounded Throup with ease and side-footed the ball towards the net before wheeling away in celebration, only for a combination of Jennings and Kirkland to stop the ball just on the line. As ever, with no referee to mediate, a stand-off was inevitable.

Prior to the match the Goodenough skipper had e-mailed the Birkbeck FC office to express his sincere wish that the match would be a harmonious one with no disputed decisions. However, as a potentially game-changing situation presented itself, the usual schoolboy antics resurfaced. The yes-it-dids and no-it-didn’ts gave way to more forceful ways of making the same point, swear words were uttered, and no-one was backing down.

Eventually, and with obvious reluctance, Goodenough allowed play to restart with a goal kick, possibly in the knowledge that a legitimate goal wouldn’t be too far away. And indeed it wasn’t. After another fruitless Birkbeck attack, the ball fell to Ronaldo/Baros, who performed an unnecessarily circuitous piece of dribbling before rifling it past Throup from close range.
Despite Birkbeck’s best efforts, very few clear-cut chances were created, and as they poured forward in an effort to get something out of the game, Goodenough were presented with more chances to score. Fortunately, though, most of these were squandered, either through unnecessarily elaborate build-up play or simply wasteful finishing. The final goal came when a Goodenough wide player smashed the ball in at the near post from a tight angle having shaped to cross. It was either an observant piece of play or a total fluke, but either way they were probably due a third goal.

Despite several slippery goalmouth scrambles, that was the way things stayed until the final whistle. Credit should go to the entire Birkbeck team who worked tirelessly throughout in difficult conditions. Had this blog chosen to borrow from the Mark Lawrenson book of generic summing-up phrases (Chapter VI: When one team is outclassed by the other) this report might have concluded with something along the lines of, “There was plenty of effort, but just not enough quality on display from Birkbeck today, Gary.” (You can mentally add the light-coloured Lancashire accent yourselves).

But we’re not going to stoop to such depths here. In the words of player-coach Taylor at the post-match press conference, “They were better than us.” Which is perhaps the best way of putting it really.

Birkbeck 0 – 5 UK Sport

2008-10-16T16:19:00.001+01:00

Match Report:
Birkbeck 0 – 5 UK Sport
Wednesday 15 October 2008, 1-2pm

After an impressive start to the season, Birkbeck came crashing back down to earth as a well-drilled UK Sport outfit took advantage of a weakened side to inflict an all-time record defeat on the mighty blues. It was a sobering experience for all concerned, not least manager Stephen Parrott, who once again found himself delivering tactical instructions to a depleted squad.

If the selection of players available for the last match represented the "bare-bones" (and it did, as exclusively revealed by this correspondent) then this was even worse, although the appropriate cliché to describe such a situation escapes me. Had Harry Redknapp been called upon to explain this defeat to the Match of the Day cameras, however, the usual puffing of the cheeks would have been accompanied by a rueful shake of the head, while the relatively self-explanatory “bare-bones” excuse would no doubt have been supplemented by a detailed exposition of just how thin the squad was - “Crouchy was playing at left-back, and we had to put a twelve year-old kid on the bench”.

As things were, there was very little in the way of youth on the bench, or on the pitch for that matter, and Birkbeck’s very own robot-dancing striker/skipper was spending a week away from the college at Carsten Jancker’s Football Academy. An expected squad of eight was swiftly reduced to an under-par seven when star striker Dumer Jr failed to materialise prior to kick off. As manager Parrott made frantic mobile telephone calls to both the player and his agent, negotiations with the opposition team were hastily entered into and a seven-a-side contest was temporarily sanctioned pending his arrival. Inevitably, this arrangement was eventually made permanent as it became increasingly apparent the player was not likely to turn up. Parrott would not be drawn on the striker’s future in his post-match press conference, only declaring, “We’ll deal with it internally. He’s definitely not going to f*cking Wrexham, that’s all I’m saying.”

Birkbeck plugged away manfully in the first half, but despite their numerical parity, possession was dominated by the opposition, who had youth on their side and moved the ball about quite nicely at times. Some dogged defending by Birkbeck restricted the number of clear-cut chances, however, and UK Sport had to wait until the end of the first half before they took the lead, with a slick passing move finished off neatly by an anonymous white-shirted player (someone on their team, naturally, you’ll forgive me if I don’t know the name).

Despite further pressure, Birkbeck clung on, with the defence of Lynch, Ackah and O’Shaughnessy making several heroic last-ditch tackles, interceptions and blocks. A long-range effort was theatrically palmed away by keeper Throup to sarcastic applause from the sizable UK Sport crowd before they missed a great chance to double their lead, one of their strikers firing over with the goal at his mercy.

All things considered, Birkbeck were pleased to get to half-time with the score at 1-0. Stand-in skipper William Ackah called for the team to ‘have a go’ at the beginning of the second half, and Birkbeck indeed began brightly, fashioning a couple of decent chances which could have changed the course of the match had they gone in. New signing Billy Scott showed an impressive turn of pace on the left to slip past a couple of defenders and hit a rasping shot just wide, while Birkbeck’s best move of the game saw Geoff Walters thwarted by the UK Sport keeper following good work from Jennings on the right.

Unfortunately though, the amount of energy exerted in mounting such attacks was significant, and with no substitutes to call on, Birkbeck began to tire. UK Sport’s monopoly on possession returned and as gaps in the Birkbeck defence started to appear, they began to create more chances. As a fumble from Throup and a miskick from Lynch almost resulted in a comical own goal, an increasingly irritable Parrott, who admitted afterwards that the opposition’s posse of coaches, fans and well-wishers had got on his nerves, taunted the UK Sport bench to the effect that the near-miss had been as close as they’d come to a second goal.

Without wishing to question the wisdom of the promotion-winning manager, this decision seemed to backfire, as UK Sport not only added a second, but also a third, fourth and fifth, all within a ten-minute period, which left a now-knackered Birkbeck side wondering what on earth had happened. As the fifth sailed into the net, courtesy of a miskick, with some fifteen minutes to go, it seemed inevitable that more goals, and a humiliating scoreline, would follow.

But while UK Sport continued to create chances, Birkbeck fought hard to keep the scoreline as it was. A combination of desperate defending and wasteful finishing meant that no further embarrassment was forthcoming, although a sense of relief was palpable at the final whistle.

While the result was certainly disappointing, the players involved can be proud of their efforts, running themselves into the ground for the team’s cause. With a full squad Birkbeck would have fancied their chances against this UK Sport side, but unless numbers are bolstered for future fixtures more defeats of this nature could be on the cards.

The next match is on Monday 3rd November. In the immortal words of Andy Townsend, “It’s a big, big game.”

Birkbeck 1 - 0 GOSH

2008-10-01T13:31:00.001+01:00

Match Report:
Birkbeck 1 – 0 GOSH
30 September 2008, 12-1pm

If the last match was reminiscent of a cheery win in front of home supporters on the first day of the new season, this one represented a thankless midweek trip to grind out a result at some bleak northern outpost. The sunny weather and free-flowing football of two weeks ago was but a distant memory, as was the embarrassment of riches at Stephen Parrott’s disposal, with his proposed rotation policy left in tatters a mere two matches into the season as a squad featuring a group of eager substitutes was swiftly reduced to a motley hardcore of nine players.

It was the kind of situation that would have had Harry Redknapp puffing out his ruddy cheeks and declaring “We’re down to the bare bones” on Match of the Day in an effort to explain away a defeat, but, thankfully, no such excuses were necessary for Birkbeck as they came away with all three points.

Manager Parrott was in a confident mood prior to the match, although some of his optimism was rooted in the misguided assumption that his team would be facing off against Great Ormond Street’s patients rather than the staff. Once this was cleared up, however, he cheerfully deployed a revamped line-up featuring a much-changed defence, with William Ackah taking his rightful place at left-back, Brett O'Shaughnessy on the right and captain Andreas Schmidt filling in for recently-archived defensive mainstay Daniel Magnoff in the centre.

Supporters of either team were conspicuously absent, although had anyone braved the atrocious weather in the hope of seeing a decent game they would have been sorely disappointed. Birkbeck had the better of the early exchanges, working hard to retain the ball and mustering a handful of decent attempts on goal, and their perseverance was rewarded when they took the lead midway through the first half. Some neat play in midfield and a burst of pace from Dumer Jr saw him cross for William Ackah to slot home.

GOSH, on the other hand, had struggled to string any passing moves together, but eventually mustered a couple of half-chances, the closest of which saw a deflected shot parried around the post by Birkbeck keeper Throup, who had chosen to follow in the footsteps of legendary Premiership stoppers Dimitri Kharine and Massimo Taibi by sporting a pair of fetching tracksuit bottoms. In general though, the remodelled Birkbeck defence was performing admirably, with Ackah consistent as ever, Schmidt restraining his attack instincts, and O'Shaughnessy succeeding where others had failed by coaxing the normally free-spirited Jennings into the position to which he had been assigned.

GOSH began the second half with more purpose, but in truth genuine chances were few and far between. Birkbeck’s midfield, led by Geoff Walters and Rob Kirkland, worked tirelessly throughout the match, with any chance of a rest disappearing at half-time when lone substitute Chris Hodgins came on for Dave Jennings, presumed injured after being observed performing extravagant stretching exercises on the sidelines.

As the rain hammered down and players on both sides began to tire, there were chances at both ends. Despite creating some decent opportunities, Birkbeck were unable to find the elusive second goal that would have killed the game off, and inevitably GOSH had chances to equalise. Fortunately, both of those chances fell to a fairly portly midfielder with a poor first touch who possessed insufficient pace to catch up to the ball once it had bounced off his shin, allowing the Birkbeck keeper to intercept on both occasions.

As the clock ticked down Birkbeck had further chances to seal the win. Dumer Jr, who had worked hard for the team throughout, was put through on goal in the closing stages only to be thwarted by an outstanding save from the GOSH goalkeeper. The tension of the final minutes was exacerbated by the tardiness of the Coram whistle, and as the teams on the adjacent pitch were observed retiring to their dressing rooms there were some desperate glances towards the office window before the end finally came.

An equaliser for GOSH would have been a travesty, however, and this was a solid team performance from Birkbeck, who were good value for their win. Sterner tests may lie ahead, but for the moment there can be little argument with six points out of six for the mighty blues.

Birkbeck 3 – 1 CARAT

2008-09-23T16:15:00.003+01:00

Match Review:
Birkbeck 3 - 1 Carat
18 September, 1pm-2pm

A debut Premier League victory for Birkbeck was comfortable enough in the end, thanks largely to a stunning hat-trick from new signing Dumer Jr. Time and again his pace and power proved too much for the CARAT defence to handle, and this performance will go some way towards silencing those who questioned whether manager Stephen Parrott had done enough in the transfer market this summer.

On this evidence, though, the current squad should hold their own in the top division. Birkbeck were missing last season’s player of the year William Ackah, but were bolstered by the return of central defender Daniel Magnoff, somewhat inevitably tempted back by the promise of a ringer’s salary, freedom from organisational (and blog-writing) duties and a lifetime’s supply of jaffa cakes. Elsewhere, a squad that had been decimated by injury and illness last season was restored to something like full-strength, although supporters were once again puzzled by the absence of cult figure Mali Rahman, last seen training alone near a construction site.

Birkbeck began strongly, with the starting midfield of Walters, Schmidt and Kirkland linking up well with Dumer Jr, who pounced on a defensive mistake to open the first-half scoring. They failed to capitalise further on their early domination, though, and CARAT began to come into it more as the half wore on. A combination of determined Birkbeck defending and some poor decision-making in the final third meant that clear-cut chances were few and far between, however, and their best chance was a shot from a tight angle which keeper Throup casually deemed unworthy of grazing his knees for, only to observe it shaving the outside of left-hand upright on its way out.

But before any damage could be done, Birkbeck then doubled their lead with arguably the pick of the goals. Dumer Jr, displaying levels of determination, athleticism and stamina never before seen in a Birkbeck shirt, chased down what seemed like a lost cause, rounded the defence and produced an excellent finish from a tight angle. CARAT, perhaps guilty of underestimating the league’s new boys, were dumbfounded, with hands being placed on heads and/or hips and curse-words muttered under breath as Birkbeck celebrated their handsome advantage.

At half-time, Stephen Parrott made good on his pre-season promise to rotate the squad, unleashing an Eriksson-in-a-friendly number of substitutions which seemed to confuse his own team. Dave Jennings came on for Mark Young at right back and promptly took up a place in midfield, while injured playmaker John Dei-Boateng appeared baffled when he was whipped from enjoying his meat-pie and pint in the stands and thrown into the action. It all seemed to have a destabilising effect on the team as Birkbeck began the second half poorly, although again CARAT will have been disappointed they didn’t make more of their possession.

With Dei-Boateng and fellow substitutes Chris Hodgins and James Bell finding their feet in midfield, Birkbeck once again began to create chances, but were sadly guilty of failing to convert any of them. The CARAT keeper, who from this reporter’s range seemed to be a teenage boy coerced into early-term truancy (possibly by a bag of sweets shaken seductively by the CARAT manager from the back window of a car), overcame his first-half jitters to produce a string of fine saves, thwarting Birkbeck’s attackers at every turn.

And Birkbeck were almost made to pay for their profligacy when CARAT pulled a goal back. Scrappy defending meant Birkbeck failed to clear their lines and when the ball eventually found its way back into the box, it was volleyed in at close range by a CARAT attacker with the Birkbeck keeper again rooted to the spot, seemingly prioritising his thoughts about what to have for tea over making a meaningful attempt to stop the ball.

At 2-1 these were anxious times for Birkbeck, and the tension of the situation seemed to get to the players, with a tiring Magnoff reprising his always-entertaining bickering routine with captain Schmidt during a furious debate over a substitution. Eventually, Schmidt took up Magnoff’s place in the centre of defence, and admirably restrained his attacking instincts for at least 90 seconds before embarking on an ill-advised shimmying run into the heart of the CARAT defence. When possession was lost, CARAT were presented with a great opportunity to level the score, but again failed to find the right pass when presented with a numerical advantage on the counter attack.

Rattled, Birkbeck searched for a way to finish the game off. Inevitably it was Dumer Jr to the rescue once again, producing a classy finish under pressure to make the game safe. As the clock ran down, Bell wisely took the ball into the corner, prompting their permatanned, boyband-reject left-winger to exclaim, “This isn’t the f*cking Premier League, you know!” Er, it is, actually. Bring on the next game...

2008/9

2008-09-23T16:01:00.005+01:00

2007/8 Season Summary

2008-09-23T15:54:00.005+01:00

Results
8 - 0 : (CFUK: 17 Sept)
6 - 0 : (Asentis: Fri 5 Oct)
1 - 0 : (Warner 2: 11 Oct)
0 - 1 : (Observer: 31 Oct)
1 - 1 : (Barely Legal: 9 Nov)
2 - 0 : (Old Bill: 8 Jan)
1 - 0 : (ITN: 24 Jan)
2 - 1 : (CTSM: 8 Feb)
2 - 2 : (ITV4: 13 Feb)
2 - 3 : (Mediacom : 7 March)

Birkbeck Top Scorers
Schmidt: 6
Bell: 5
Kirkland: 3
Flannery: 2
Hodgins: 2
Itagaki: 2
Taylor: 2
Dr Walters: 2
Young: 1

2007/8 Table

2008-08-01T17:21:00.003+01:00

Promotion 2007-08 !

2008-07-29T10:33:00.006+01:00

YES !

Birkbeck vs ITV4

2008-02-14T11:05:00.003Z

Match Review:
Birkbeck 2 - 2 ITV4
13 February, 1pm-2pm

squeeky bum time...

This fixture was always going to make or break Birkbeck's season. ITV4 went into this game with a 100% record, winning 6 out of 6, conceding few and scoring many. Birkbeck went into this game with a Redknapp-esque injury list, forcing a number of players to front-up carrying sprains, illness and some discoloured digits (no questions asked). Birkbeck did, however, take with them a certain sense of destiny, bolstered by the knowledge that (on last season's evidence) they were a shower of ****'s. There was no way they were going to beat us. Not today.

Eager to smash ITV4 and its 3 hour weekly broadcast, Birkbeck immediatley bum-rushed the the opposition goal and squeezed their defence in a breathless opening 5 minute spell. Seizing the bit between his teeth, Birkbeck captain, Schmidt, having won a corner, demanded that it be played in low and hard into the penalty area. Rahman duly obliged and creamed the ball straight into the captain's nuts. "Meine bobbels!". Armed with this rallying cry, Birkbeck pressed on with the energetic Jennings entering the fray, whilst Schmidt worked his way though a 10 minute set of "bobbels" exercises. This heralded a taxing period for the Birkbeck defence, who whilst manning the breach, could not find a way of escaping their own half, under pressure from an organised and increasingly annoying ITV4 midfield. All the while Birkbeck keeper Throup was feeding off the pressure, growing bigger and hungrier for every save, devouring the media goons' frustration. But in the end, the bastards scored anyway. After a block and two saves from the keeper some no-mark TV camera-cleaner tapped in for a really crap goal. However, Birkbeck didn't panic and on the stroke of half-time, Bell grabbed the BBK top-scorer spot (which will be awarded on alphabetical order if necessary) after making some room for himself on the by-line by the edge of the box and unleashing an unstoppable left-footed curler into the top corner. "YIPPIIIEEE", the manager bellowed from the touchline. And who can argue with that?

ITV4 were clearly confused by all this and then spent the next 10 minutes blowing themselves out in a whirlwind of indignity. Although more Danny Williams than Muhammed Ali, Birkbeck's "rope-a-dope" trap would soon bear fruit. Although not before their centre-half aimlessly punted the ball upfield and it ended up in the back of our goal by some freakish million-to-one shot. Ridiculous. Anyway, after this ITV4 contributed absolutley nothing, and, inspired by the outstanding Flannery (yet another player to take the poisoned centre midfield chalice, excel and then end up injured) Birkbeck settled into the all to familiar "shit or bust" formation. ITV4 couldn't handle it. Wimps. In little time, Flannery jinked his way past 3 defenders before drilling home a precise Mo Jonhston-style finish to equalise. In your face ! And yet there were 8 minutes left and suddenly, Birkbeck were the only team left in it. With 3 minutes left, Schmidt (having finally recovered) missed at point blank range...and then missed the rebound. "NEIN!". With about 10 seconds left, Rahman caught the panicked ITV centre half with his pants down and clean through on goal, dummied the keeper, rolled the ball towards the open goal, wheeled away to celebrate and order a booth at the Crazy Bear.....goal-kick. Rahman remained face-down on the turf long after the final whistle blew....but he shouldn't feel bad, this was after all a backs-to-the-wall result to end all backs-to-the-wall results, in a season stuffed full of backs-to-the-wall results.

So where does this leave us? A cursory look at the table on the right shows us tempoarily top with 20 points, pending confirmation of the other results. Realistically ITV4 are long gone in first place. CTSM have yet to play ITV4 or Warner2 and so will be up against it to challenge us for the second promotion place. However, Observer are hovering ominously and 2 wins from their final two fixtures (against losers Asentis and Mediacom) will give them 24 points. damn.

So close..but if we're to be doomed to third, its not on the back of today's result or performance. We'll just have to await the results updates with baited breath...

Well done boys....see you in March for the humiliation of the computer nerds at Mediacom

PS Let the record reflect that half of the ITV4 team were not wearing synchronised kit, but did shake hands at the end.

Birkbeck vs CTSM

2008-02-11T14:07:00.000Z

Match Review:
Birkbeck 2 - 1 CTSM
8 February, 12pm-1pm

WHAT'S MY NAME CRANTHORNE ?!

What a game. What a result. What a team.

Having braced themselves for a show-down with ageing Chinese chemists, an injury-ravaged Birkbeck were quite surprised to be confronted with a worryingly youthful team of telecom operatives, who had turned up fully 30 minutes early and were going through Gazza soccer school drills on the pitch. Oh dear. However, much like a bloke who walks into a pub with his own pool-cue and is rubbish....they were rubbish. For the first half at least. Where CTSM were spritely and quick, Birkbeck were old, mean and wide. Men against boys? More like Wimbledon vs Crystal Palace. Almost immediatley Rahman put some Crazy Bear moves on the helpless CTSM full-back, with the ball eventually coming out to Bell who showed no mercy with a crisp finish under the keeper. The high-riding youngsters from the call-centre were visably shaken and spent the rest of the half passing the ball to nobody and jumping out of challenges. Excellent.

In the second half it all changed. Like Spiderman, the CTSM manager emerged from beneath his pyjamas and bobble-hat disguise, ran onto the pitch and immediatley took control of the game. However, whilst CTSM may be the league's top scorers, Birkbeck remain the tightest defence. Settling into an all too familiar backs to the wall formation, Birkbeck set their sights on survival. To a man, Birkbeck threw their bodies on the line in a quite oustanding display of stubborness. Standing out in partuclar, were Dr Walters, filling-in in midfield as if he'd been playing there all season, crucial January (re)signing Flannery, and the ever dependable Throup. But then...the little bastards finally managed to wriggle their way round Magnoff's backside and stuck the ball into the net for an equaliser. Still...a draw would have been a good result against the league leaders. But somehow, just as against Warner, Barely Legal and ITN, Birkbeck found a way of squeezing an improbable result. Rahman, pulling some shapes on the wing, fed the ball to the captain, Schmidt, who somehow managed to drag 3 of the smurfs with him into the area before smashing home the winner. Brilliant. With seconds to go, CTSM blasted the ball back into the Birkbeck area, but instead of finding Magnoff's backside like the rest of the game, this time it hit his midriff. Penalty? You must be joking. But after a lot of unseemly whining, Spiderman stepped up to claim his ill-deserved prize....and promptly blasted it suspiciously wide. Was it on purpose? Did he bottle it? Frankly, who cares?

This is one hell of a result, with or without the depleted squad. Looking at the updated table on the right, and with ITV4 and CTSM to play each other later this month, this result virtually guarantees us one of the top two spots....and promotion. Next up is ITV4....if we win, it just about clinches the Championship, which also means we get awarded a trophy that we don't have to buy ourselves!

Well done boys...and stay fresh....we're almost there..

New Table Published - (on the right)

2008-02-01T16:48:00.000Z

Paul has set up a new system and the table will now be updated and published via the link on the right hand side.

We're down to third, but the next two games are against the league leaders (and they have yet to play each other)...ITV have been asking for a smacked bottom for some time now...last season we beat CTSM 5-1, and let in a last-second goal to ITV in a 3-3 draw.....same again would see us promoted..

Birkbeck Stay Top ! (God knows what the other results are)

2008-01-25T14:27:00.000Z

this is assuming ITN don't throw a strop at the league office..

Nice !

Birkbeck vs ITN

2008-01-25T09:58:00.000Z

Match Review:
Birkbeck 1 - 0 ITN
24 January, 1pm-2pm

Who the hell watches bloody ITN anymore anyway? What a bunch of jokers...make that LOSERS !

Having previously humiliated this team 6-3 in a friendly earlier in th season, Birkbeck weren't really expecting much trouble, but it seems that with its pride hurt, the angry little worm turned. Prancing about with some rather ill-fitting bravado, the trash-bin journalists came out in the first half with a lot of huff-puff crap football. This approach almost immediatley came undone when their chubbiest midfielder ran straight into Magnoff's backside and crumpled into a limp heap. Cursing his lack of conditioning, the ITN right-winger crawled off the pitch, and the seeds appeared to have be sown for good old-fashioned nasty game of football. Having successfully mis-cast themselves as victims of a brutal tyranny, the tabloid hacks subsequently allowed themselves the legal freedom to do whatever the hell they pleased for the rest of the game. Mugs. Elsewhere, the first half payed out goaless, with Birkbeck's best chance coming from a Magnoff through ball to the goal-hanging Schmidt, who despite dawdling in an off-side position couldn't beat the keeper.

The second half began much the same as the first as both teams became embroiled in a tetchy midfield stalemate, in which Itagaki, in particular, excelled as the deployed lone samurai amongst the infidels. Ultimately it was the guile of Mark "Harry" Taylor that unlocked the cynical ITN defence, completing a fairytale finish to a meandering Bobby Pires solo effort from the left wing on his 18th birthday. At this point Trevor McDonald's minions went ablsoultely nuts. Hopelessly lost in a frenzy of frustration, indignation and general impotence, ITN felt legally entitled to throw the rule book out of the window. More fool them. Schmidt, in particular, found himself at the appex of this assault. Twice in quick succesion, the Birkbeck striker had to suffer the indignity of a grubby ginger man jumping on his back and attempt to pull his shorts down. Just when he thought the worst had past, Schmidt, foolishly attempting to play for time by the corner flag, appeared to have been blasted by a shotgun for his troubles, flying clean off the pitch, yelping sweet-nothings on his way down. Throw-on apparently. The amateur game sure is a dangerous place for lone German strikers these days..However, ITN's mania played largeley into Birkbeck's hands as the larger team of blokes. Flannery, Itagaki, Kirkland and Walters humiliated the disgraced ITN reporters time and again by riding challenges and simply playing football around them. In the closing seconds and attempting retirbution, one of their number even attempted a chest-hight WWE tackle on designated pantomime villain Magnoff, only to bounce off and hurt his bottom. WEEEEEEAK!

Ultimatley this was a fantastic team effort with all 13 players standing up, being counted, and occasionally handing out some slaps back. In the end, the good guys will win. Especially if they're the only team out there trying to play football. Special mention again to the defence, today welcoming back Archives veteran Flannery and debutant Franco, resplendant with sun-glasses and Yves St Lauren socks, who kept yet another clean sheet. Eat that Cranthorne.

Let the record reflect that ITN failed to shake hands at the final whilstle.

Well done boys...the next two games are against the league leaders, CSTM and ITV4 and will decide our season. Stay sharp!

Fixture Update

2008-01-23T15:29:00.001Z

The ITV4 game has been rearranged..

Thursday 24th January 1pm-2pm - ITN

Friday 8th February 12pm-1pm - CTSM

Tuesday 12th February 1pm-2pm - ITV4

Friday 7th March 12pm-1pm - Mediacom

Birkbeck Top ! (pending results)

2008-01-10T18:13:00.001Z

Yes

Birkbeck vs SFO

2008-01-10T17:17:00.000Z

Match Review:
Birkbeck 2 - 0 SFO
8 January 2008, 12pm-1pm

Go back to jail coppers !

Last year the Fraud Squad were mostly made up of very angry very bald men. This year a new approach saw them field a team of dirty corpulent fatties. They were promptly humiliated for their trouble as Birkbeck got back to winning ways after the winter break.

The first half saw the Old Bill immediatley go clean through on goal only for their striker to panic and blast his shot straight at Throup...a good save. SFO did not put a shot on goal for the rest of the afternoon. This game marked yet another clean sheet for the blues who have let in only 2 goals all season, making Throup, Ackah, Magnoff and Young statistically the tighest defensive unit in the league. In your face Cranthorne !

Further up the pitch, Birkbeck welcomed back on loan J-League star Shinsuke Itagaki, who proceeded to outclass the SFO bumblebum midfield at will with Dr Walters and Kirkland. This fixture also bore witness to the long awaited debut of Mali Rahman, who's circus tricks on the left wing sapped what little juice the rozzer defence had to offer in a breathless 15 minutes. Stringfellow's loss is certainly Birkbeck's gain. Suitably weakened, and with Rahman needing to go back to work, club captain Schmidt filled the breech and set up Kirkland for a sweetly placed volley off the far post for a well deserved opener. Despite several more gilt-edged chances, Birkbeck had to settle for 1-0 at the half-time jaffa cake break.

The second half continued as the first, with the cops offering stubborn resistance to the academic onslaught. A combination of smart goal-keeping, an unfathomable disallowed goal, illegal kicks up the backside and wasted chances saw Birkbeck frustrated with only one goal in it with 10 minutes to go. Birkbeck's power substitutions, however, made the difference with Jennings and Bell combining well in midfield with Dr Walters to set up Itagaki who spanked the ball in the net off the underside of the keepers bum with 5 minutes to go. Game over.

Special mention also to Marczewski who managed to kick someone up the bottom in the closing minutes.

Well done everyone...ITN next

New Fixture List

2008-01-10T16:37:00.000Z

Scrutinise this carefully men

4 games left, including back to back games against the league leaders:

Thursday 24th January 1pm-2pm - ITN

Friday 8th February 12pm-1pm - CTSM

Wednesday 13th February 1pm-2pm - ITV4

Friday 7th January 12pm-1pm - Mediacom

if you are unavailable for any of these dates announce it immediatley !

Xmas break table

2007-11-22T11:09:00.000Z

Check out the positions in the table going in to the xmas break.
Wait a minute...

...whos at the top? oh, its Birkbeck!!!

Birkbeck vs Barely Legal

2007-11-22T10:54:00.000Z

Match Review:
Birkbeck 1 - 1 Barely Legal
9 November, 12- 1pm

Unsavoury pornography franchise, unsavoury football team.

Thank God Birkbeck managed to pull this one out of the bag. Quite how Birkbeck managed to find themselves in a position where they needed to save the game is still something of a mystery.

The first half saw Birkbeck dominate possession and territory as Dave Jennings and the forward line squeezed up tight on the ITV lawyers’ sweaty defence. Unable to breathe, the small weird bloke in tracksuit bottoms in goal without any gloves kept spilling the ball and passing it out to Rob Kirkland. Plenty of oooh’s and aaah’s but much like Paul Ince’s career in microcosim all the shots from the edge of the box flew inched wide or over the cross-bar.

The second half panned out much the same as the first with the opposition’s powder-puff strikeforce routinely bouncing off the robust backline of William Ackah, Daniel Magnoff and Mark Young. And yet Andreas could find no answers up front. Then, against the run of play, the money-grabbing lawyers lost the ball in midfield from an excellent Kirkland tackle, the ball dribbled the length of the pitch back to Richard Throup in goal and the desperate media gibbons claimed a back-pass. Feeling charitable and at ease, Birkbeck let the lawyers have their way, only to see the pasty ginger striker lamp the ball into the net from the edge of the box. Bastard.

With 10 minutes left, Birkbeck had to change their game and Stephen Parrot re-organised to the emergency sh*t or bust formation. Suddenly there were holes all over the park and finally, inevitably, Dr Geoff Walters smashed a loose ball into the net and past the stupid bloke in tracksuit bottoms. Get in. And no more than Birkbeck deserved.

At this point all hell broke loose, as both sides abandoned all tactical discipline, with several gilt-edged goal chances going begging at both ends. Special mention for DR William Ackah with at least one Ashley Cole-esque goal-line clearance and also the gormless curly ITV left winger who managed to do the same instead of poking the ball in the goal.

All things told it felt like a win, even though we could have had more. In the end, the ITV lawyers were so confused and frustrated they didn’t even know the game had ended and the ginger striker looked like he was going to cry when I picked the ball up and shook his hand.

Well done everybody. See you all at the Christmas Party!

Birkbeck concede goal!!!

2007-10-31T16:24:00.000Z

Match Review:
Birkbeck 0 - 1 Observer
31 November, 1-2pm

Well it had to come sooner or later, but four games in to the season, and Birkbeck concede their first goal. It turned out to be the only goal of the game, and left Birkbeck with their first taste of defeat this campaign.

Birkbecks defense had another solid performance and frustrated the Observer time and time again.

Another fantastic performance from keeper Richard Throup, whose concentration and safe hands, kept out half a dozen chances, wins the blog MOTM.

Birkbecks midfield were pushed back into their own half for most of the game by an aggressive formation from the Observer players, who played like they had come to score. But the dogged determination of Birkbeck did not allow them to run away with the game.

With the notable loss of play maker Shinsuki and James Bell to provide width up top, Birkbeck struggled to go forward. It was left to Andi to go it alone at the front and with the midfield pushed so far back, Birkbecks efforts where in vein.

Birkbecks pressure increased throughout the match and the final ten minutes saw glimpses of a side that has previously torn apart defenses. But today, was not that day.

As bad results go, this result was not the worst. With only one goal conceded the Birkbeck goal difference is still looking very healthy and will stand us in good stead towards the end of the season.

A lot of positives should be taken from the game, and lessons should be learnt.

Birkbeck is not a team that is easy to beat, so congratualtions to the Observer...

...until next time.

Video highlights are on the way....

"That’s all folks!" - Warner Brothers put to pasture.

2007-10-12T11:42:00.000+01:00

3nd match review:
FCE 1 - 0 Warner Brothers II
11 October, 1-2pm

A thrilling encounter between two main contenders for the league title saw the points go Birkbeck’s way with seconds remaining.

Gritty battles all over the park and spells of concentrated pressure from both sides left spectators gawping, but in the end it was Birkbeck who prevailed.

From the outset it was clear that this Birkbeck team have come a long way since they were mauled 5-1 in the same fixture just over a year ago, and it was they who started the brightest, with some structured passing and possession play.

Shinsuke Itagaki’s tireless display in the centre of the park set the tone, and this Birkbeck performance was marked by better positional sense and passing than in some previous outings.

It needed to be – Warners are a disciplined outfit and had the experience to capitalise on any mistakes. Superb performances in defence were needed to keep their attack at bay, although as the final whistle drew nearer some wild attempted shots were seen from the media conglomerate’s forwards.

Time and again Mark Young, Andreas Schmidt and William Ackah (whose cool head and eye for a pass epitomised the Birkbeck attitude) broke up Warner moves and supplied the midfield. There, committed play from the Faculty’s ‘new signings’ Gordon and Lukasz, and selfless tracking back from striker Geoff masked the lack of options on the subs bench.

Great build-up play forced Warners into errors, but it just wasn't coming off in the final third. In the end it was a tactical switch that led to Birkbeck’s goal, with Andreas Schmidt (central denfender) marauding up to centre-forward, putting James Bell through on the left and continuing his run. Bell took the defenders (one falling over due to the excitment) with him and laid the ball off to Schmidt who comfortably slotted the ball in. All in all a fantastic one-two that sums up the team-spirit Birkbeck is currently enjoying.

Warners knew the game was almost up (with less than 2 minutes left on the clock). One good save from Richard Throup and some backs-to-the-wall defending saw Birkbeck claim victory and – in stark contrast to last year – a clean sheet.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and Birkbeck’s cool-headed display marks them out as the team to beat now.

The Observer will be aiming to do exactly that on the 31st, but with questions over the squads depth resolved (for the time being) and team-spirit reaching new levels, it will be interesting to see if the confidence on the pitch can be backed by a substitution policy taking full advantage of the number of players.

Could it be a forth win in four against the Observer? With Birkbeck in their current form, who would bet against them? Let's just hope all this success doesnt go to their heads, when it counts.

For now, that's all folks!

fcefooty is no more...

2007-10-11T15:06:00.000+01:00

Due to the recent change in faculty name, from FCE to FLL, and the name on the shirts being "Birkbeck" this site has now changed to www.birkbeckfootie.blogspot.com.

We would like to take this opportunity to deny all allegations linking this change to a takeover by an unnamed Russian Oligarch.

There have been no changes in the major shareholdings.

We would also like to take this opportunity to thank all the FCE players, members of the archive unit and of course the FCE fans whose commitment, dedication and support has turned the team into the success it is today.

Steam Roller

2007-10-08T13:16:00.000+01:00

2nd match review:
FCE 6 - 0 Asentis
5 October, 12-1pm

The guys in blue once again proved that whatever they have been doing off the pitch is paying dividends on the pitch.

A pacey first half saw 4 goals go in against an overwhelmed Asentis, who couldn’t capitalize going forward.
Birkbecks strong defence saw off the few chances Asentis created pushing forward, and once again the backline got a well-deserved clean sheet.

The midfield and backs pushed forward at every opportunity providing plenty of service to the guys up front, and produced some very entertaining football.
Some well worked goals and unselfissh Emirates-like play in the box pushed Birkbeck to their 4 -0 halftime lead.

The second half began with a defensive Asentis trying to push forward with little success. Disappointment for them came when their main play maker injured himself with an overenthusiastic tackle and sat out the rest of the match on the sidelines.

Birkbeck pushed forward for the remainder of the half with Asentis now in full defensive mode. If not for some stoic defending and brave goalkeeping from the Asentis defence, Birkbeck’s flair on the ball and well-timed runs from midfield could have seen the scoreline hit double figures by the final whistle.

A magical back heel from Shinsuke, and an inch perfect free kick from Mark summed up a well dissevered triumph for the boys in blue.

The Gaffer (Stephen Parrot), even had time to try out some of the newer players and give others a well deserved rest.

All in all an impressive performance from Birkbeck’s First VIII, but with tough customers Warners to face next week - and a possible drop in the depth of the squad - it is essential the good work off the pitch is kept up.

For now, let the good times roll!

Let the games begin...

2007-09-19T21:35:00.001+01:00

First match review:

FCE 8 - 0 CFUK
17 September, 1-2pm

Birkbeck FCE dominated from start to finish, showing a consistent determination to drive up the goal difference whilst keeping a clean sheet.

Defending solidly and keeping their shape well, Birkbeck snuffed out CFUK’s early build-up play, rarely allowing their opponents within range of goal.

Striker Andi Schmidt allayed nerves with a cool finish midway through the first period and thereafter the floodgates opened, with FCE players queuing up to add to the goal tally. Schmidt, Chris Hodgins and James Bell each bagged a brace, with Rob Kirkland adding a precise finish to his excellent possession play, and Mark Young‘s stunning long range drive adding the gloss.

Special mention must go to Brian Flannery whose marauding display marked an emphatic return from a 9-month lay-off through injury, and also to Dave Jennings for his act of self-sacrifice – agreeing to play for the plucky (understaffed) losers so the match could go ahead.

Birkbeck FCE will undoubtedly face sterner tests from the opposition in the coming weeks, but this was an encouraging start to the season and a great result.

Delays, delays, delays

2007-09-05T17:50:00.000+01:00

If it's not the tube drivers going on strike, it's the opposition pulling out at the last minute.
It looks like Asentis have rescheduled the game this Friday until October.

A massive blow!

2007-09-04T16:22:00.000+01:00

Breakin news just in. It seems that the linch pin of team FCE, Andi (c) will be unable to make the game on Friday. Not only was this a massive blow to the face, but a massive blow to the team. All our wishes are with Andi, and we hope he makes a speedy recovery.

a brief extract from the write up of the game he was in yesterday:

2nd half
For the first 15-20 mins of the second half OSB defended stoutly without putting the opposition under much pressure. Things then took a turn for the worse when the German centre back enforcer (Schmidt) took a full bloodied volley into the head and had to leave the game for 10 mins to regain his senses

they lost 8-1.

that’ll teach him for moonlighting..

Team Talk

2007-09-04T15:01:00.000+01:00

Karate Kid

2007-09-04T14:57:00.001+01:00

number 9 shows more than just his skill with the ball...

Can i kick it?

2007-09-04T14:55:00.001+01:00

Turning defense into attaaaaaaaaaack!

2007-09-04T14:48:00.003+01:00

Getting stuck in!

2007-09-04T14:44:00.000+01:00

Let's hope for more of the same...

Look out John, he's behind you!

2007-09-04T14:30:00.000+01:00

Guys disobeying your captain can lead to some swift retribution.
While heads are turned, Andi (allegedly) meets out some old fashioned discipline to Conradi, whose whereabouts are currently unknown.

Umm...

2007-09-04T14:25:00.001+01:00

Last years Team photos

2007-09-04T14:07:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Dan for some more team photos from last year....

Goooooooooooooooal

2007-08-30T15:39:00.000+01:00

Clip from the infamous first ever Birkbeck FC goal!

And yes, it did go in!!!

if u cant see the video below, try it at home:

His Left Foot

2007-08-30T11:14:00.000+01:00

Lets hope we see more of the same from James this season...

Nutmeg

2007-08-30T11:05:00.000+01:00

Here's a great shot of Andi getting threw the oppositions defense...

Team Talk

2007-08-30T11:02:00.000+01:00

Here's a great shot of an intense pre-match team talk.

Fixtures for 2007/8

2007-08-29T17:59:00.000+01:00

Here's the full fixtures list for 2007/8.

Pics

2007-08-17T16:28:00.001+01:00

We need some pictures and some stuff to put on here...

2006/7 Table

2007-08-17T15:50:00.001+01:00