Birkbeck 1-4 ITV3

Match Report
Birkbeck 1-4 ITV3
Wednesday 9 November 2011, 1-2pm

A match that began promisingly for Birkbeck ultimately became a mildly embarrassing defeat. The scoreline flattered the opposition, who took full advantage of the opportunities presented to them in the second half by a weary side throwing men forward in search of a way back into the match.

In truth, Birkbeck should never have found themselves in such a position. They began brightly and took an early lead when Garmon ap Garth found the corner of the net with a sweet shot to finish off a fine attacking move. The lead lasted mere seconds as ITV3, hitherto not having given much indication of being a force to be reckoned with, took advantage of some defensive hesitancy to grab the equaliser.

Undeterred, Birkbeck came back again, and when ap Garth produced an almost identical finish to an almost identical move, the Birkbeck fans (all three of them) were already celebrating a goal almost identical to the first one. Unfortunately, this time it didn’t find the net, instead rocketing off the post and out.

ITV3, though, did produce an identical response to Birkbeck’s attack by snaffling another fortuitous goal to take the lead. While stand-in goalkeeper Pearce, one of only two players to volunteer for the role in Jennings’ absence (the other, Kirkland, later described his offer as ‘an empty gesture’) managed to get to the goalbound shot, it still had sufficient pace to find its way into the net.

Whatever the role played by misfortune, Birkbeck had to face the fact that they were 2-1 down in a game they should have been winning. At the interval, the Birkbeck management concocted a motivational cocktail consisting of 2 parts encouragement juice (Parrott, Throup) and a double-shot of rage (Schmidt), which was chugged down with a grimace before the team returned to the pitch to try and find a way back into the match.

In the time that it took Nduka to arrive for the match he had gone from being top scorer to the joint-top scorer, and he took to the pitch in the second half eager to rectify the situation. Of slightly greater concern was Dr William Ackah’s revelation that he would need to leave before the end, leaving manager Parrott with the unfortunate dilemma of replacing him with either a centre-forward (Scott) or someone who can’t play football (Throup).

ITV3 were cheered on throughout the match by a collection of sharp-looking, pointy-shoed wearing media types, whom one could only assume were the now-defunct ITV1 team, who were withdrawn from the league in order to provide funding for a new series of Dinner Date*. The one exception was a shaven-headed, hoodie-wearing gentleman, who was dressed for football but not in the same kit as the rest of the ITV3 team. Mid-way through the second-half, he was sent onto the field to a chorus of semi-ironic cheers, which immediately identified him as some kind of clownish cult figure, whose every touch of the ball was greeted with some kind of noise or comment.

Not to be outdone, after a nervous exchange of glances on the bench, Birkbeck sent on their own clown as a replacement for Ackah. At this point, the score remained 2-1, with Birkbeck having plenty of attacking pressure but little in the form of clear-cut chances, and with the team getting increasingly desperate, there were gaps at the back for ITV3 to exploit. To be fair, both the third and fourth goals were excellent finishes, with the latter –irritatingly – scored by the opposition’s fan favourite, who ghosted into the box with the aid of his non-matching stealth kit (and, it has to be said, some assistance from a day-dreaming substitute).

So, a second straight defeat for Birkbeck then, and despite some encouraging performances thus far, a win in the next match is looking increasingly necessary.

*Legal Note: This is also an assumption.