Birkbeck 0 - 1 ITV1

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 - 1 ITV1
Wednesday 4 May 2011

Birkbeck’s difficult season limps towards its close both metaphorically and literally, as an injury hit team took on yet another ITV team. And while the personnel may have changed – new goalkeeper, new captain and even a new blog writer –the story was depressingly familiar. In fact, given that I’ve never written one of these things before, you could actually just view one of the previous five blogs if you want to know what happened and get a few funnier jokes into the bargain.

With goalkeeper Throup suffering from some sort of Repetitive Strain injury [oh, if only it were that simple - RT], occasional reserve Jennings was called upon to take up the gloves, while with Captain Schmidt incapacitated, Pearce was slowest (not for the last time unfortunately) to move away from Manager Parrott and the dreaded armband. Birkbeck initially implemented the “pretty and ineffective” phase of the performance, with Nduka and Scott in particular working well together to fashion openings which the team contrived to spurn, and Fretwell and Duffin also getting into positions that looked like they might lead to chances without ever quite getting to the bit where the round white thing ends up in the onion bag.

ITV did a fairly good job themselves of looking the part, doing lots of pointing, shouting, encouraging and the odd bit of arguing, and did display an excellent understanding of park rules football when, following an innocuous challenge from Fretwell, their lead shouty person grabbed the ball, strode confidently to the penalty spot, placed it and dared the opposition to contradict his decision. Alex Ferguson would have earned himself at least a season in the directors box, but with manager Parrott’s more dignified approach and Captain Pearce’s evident to desire to finish the match at some point before his 2.30 meeting, the decision was allowed to stand. However, Jennings was equal to the task, and ensured justice was done with an excellent save.

Birkbeck then moved into the game-ending defensive howler phase however. It was rather unsporting for ITV to turn up with a player who had evidently played the game before at some level of competence, but Pearce’s decision to shepherd him down the middle of the pitch and into a position six yards from goal with the ball at his feet was not one from the coaching manual. Jennings had no chance with the low shot into the corner, which left Birkbeck having to achieve something they had only achieved once in 2011 so far, and actually score a goal.

Half time came and went and with it came Phase 3, and the bit where we grind out a narrow defeat. I’d like to say it is my poor memory and the passing of a week since the match that means that the remaining highlights of the game are scant. But the reality is that Stuart Hall himself would have been hard pressed to give a 3 minute summary on the remainder of the match. Scott decided at half time, with his line manager viewing darkly from the bench, that it would be wise to turn up on time for his afternoon training course, and was replaced by substitute and debutant Guest, who gave a text book man-marking demonstration on the opposition star player throughout the second half. This squeezed the remaining drops of creativity out of the game; I seem to remember Nduka forcing their keeper into a save, and the opposition missing something of an open goal, but a more astute groundkeeper could have probably raised a few quid by renting out the back of either net as a family picnic area for the second half without much complaint.

So it’s another chance in the next match for Birkbeck to reap society’s revenge for Britain’s Got Talent as another ITV team come to Coram Fields to do battle. The keeper and captain remain indisposed, but the stage is set for a lazarus-style comeback with a Birkbeck team committed to buccaneering attacking football with a who dares wins approach, always remembering that it doesn’t matter how many the opposition score as long as we score one more.

There again we might turn up, run around and shout loads, create little and then fall over at the wrong moment and lose 1-0.

Watch this space.

Thanks to Trevor for the blog report - fan mail/complaints re: misrepresentation should go to him directly.