Birkbeck 0 – 2 UKSport

Match Report
Birkbeck 0 – 2 UKSport
Tuesday 8 February 2011, 1-2pm

With both teams lurking near the bottom of the table, this is the kind of match that would have had pundits employing execrable phrases such as “It’s a big, big game for both sides” (Andy Townsend) or “It’s the proverbial six-pointer for these two teams, who are locked into a relegation dogfight!” (Anyone working for Sky Sports - and, yes, the exclamation mark is necessary) had it been a high-profile, televised game of football, rather than a guileless lunchtime kickabout.

Although Birkbeck FC’s administrator had cheerily confirmed a squad list with at least 11 names on it the day before the match, the team’s preparations were hit by two late withdrawals. Duffin (who – for the record – is not the current joint-top scorer) and the usually-reliable Billy Scott both withdrew on the morning of the match, citing, respectively, work pressures and an injury sustained while changing a light fitting as excuses (cue predictable jokes re: “How many Birkbeck players does it take...” etc).

Echoing last week’s promising start, Birkbeck again had the better of the opening exchanges, and should have established an early lead. Nduka, playing in a more central role than in previous matches, twice found himself bearing down on goal, only to be foiled by the ‘keeper, and then the post, as Birkbeck failed to press home their advantage.

Inevitably, though, it was UKSport who scored first, a scrappy effort which saw the Birkbeck ‘keeper block the initial shot but fail to either hold onto or clear the ball, allowing the UKSport attacker to slot the ball into an empty net. Once again, Birkbeck were forced to chase the game, posing problems for their opponents, but also leaving gaps at the back to be exploited.

Despite one or two hairy moments, including the customary panic just prior to the half-time whistle, Birkbeck went into the break only a single goal down. Earnest discussion followed and it was agreed that letting in any more goals should be avoided at all costs, while the team should also seek to score at least one goal of their own. Sadly, though, this plan backfired when UKSport doubled their lead with a scorching low shot from outside the area.

The temptation to resort to industrial language, however great, had to be curbed by the arrival at the Birkbeck end of a polite middle-aged man and his young son, who would not have taken kindly to such utterings [and quite right too, you ill-mannered monster – a reader]. During a brief conversation with the Birkbeck ‘keeper during the second-half, the observation of this most unbiased of observers (unless he was a UKSport plant) was that Birkbeck were largely coming off second best in this particular contest.

Indeed, with energy levels depleting rapidly, thanks in no small part to the mysterious arrival of some warm weather, Birkbeck never really looked like regaining their early impetus. With the clock ticking down, the polite man disappeared, to be replaced by a rampaging mob of seven year-olds awaiting use of the pitch. As they watched the match’s closing stages, one of their number suggested that they should cheer for the white shirts of England (UKSport) until the final whistle. It was probably with this in mind that one excitable scamp called for Birkbeck’s opponents to “bring on Defoe!” – but it drew some anxious glances towards the UKSport bench nonetheless.

Of course, the dislikeable dodger of speeding fines from Tottenham was not warming up on the touchline, although had he managed to get on he probably would have put away some of the very decent chances created by UKSport in the game’s final moments. In the end, the match petered out as a UKSport player (not wearing shinpads – a lesson for you there, kids) sustained an injury following a seemingly innocuous challenge from the Deputy Academic Registrar.

Another disappointing result, then, but credit to all Birkbeck players for their commitment and endeavour. Oh, and let the record show that striker-turned-defender-turned-striker Schmidt once again threw himself forward during the second half, but no gilt-edged opportunities were spurned. Because, er, none were created, frankly.

Next time – let’s actually take the lead and then park the bus in front of the goal. Desperate times call for desperate measures.